It' So Cold ...



SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK


            You’d think this weather would be perfect for “it’s so cold” jokes.

            You know: It’s so cold I saw a dog frozen to a hydrant.

That’s an old one – let me try to come up with something of my own:

It’s so cold hot wings are being sold on Popsicle sticks.

It’s so cold the weather made me reminisce about some of my ex-girlfriends.

It’s so cold, Miley Cyrus put her clothes on.

Or this one that I just came up with: It’s so cold politicians are starting to look warm and friendly.

Now you know why I don’t do stand-up.

They’re probably all variations on jokes someone already came up with. Besides, this being Indiana, it could be in the 50’s when you read this. But as I wrote it the temperature was minus 15, so I think I’m justified in saying it’s so cold they canceled Cleveland. The whole city. They just canceled it. And nobody else noticed.

I did some research for this column (shut up, I did), and came across such things as it’s so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets, and it’s so cold I saw a gangsta pull his pants up. But my heart really wasn’t in it, because it was so cold the truth becomes ridiculous without the need for exaggeration. For instance:

It’s so cold that boiling water thrown in the air turns instantly to snow.

Next question: What fool would go out with boiling water in that weather? I hope it was some weatherman getting paid to go out, show it’s too cold to go out, and tell people not to go out.

On a related note, it’s so cold The Weather Channel named this storm “Winter Storm &#$%*@!”

It’s so cold salt and other chemicals put on roadways to melt ice stopped melting anything. But that’s okay, because nobody could get past the snow drifts, anyway.

It’s so cold the Chicago Zoo had to keep their penguins and polar bears indoors.

Even inside, the penguins asked for extra blankets. The polar bears demanded their fish be fried.

It’s so cold officials in Minnesota closed some entertainment venues: Specifically, ski and sledding hills, and ice rinks.

That’s hard core. Or, hard ice core.

It’s so cold that it got into the single digits – in Atlanta, Georgia. Atlanta residents haven’t shivered so much since they heard Sherman was marching their way.

It’s so cold antifreeze could freeze.

Well, not right here, but in Minnesota it got down to minus 36. Prestone antifreeze freezes as minus 34. So far as I know, there is no antifreeze antifreeze.

However, we Hoosiers aren’t out of the frigid woods: vodka freezes at minus 16.51 degrees. It’s so cold, the cold can’t even drive you to drink.

In Canada, it’s so cold that it’s actually warmer on Mars.

But it’s okay – Canadians are used to it.

Also in Canada, the severe cold has caused some “frost quakes”. That happens when the temperature drops so much, so fast, that ice causes the earth to crack open. The same thing happened in 2011 in Ohio and Indiana. This helps me with the screenplay I’m writing for the SyFy channel, which I’ve titled: “SnowTornadoIceQuake Shark Attack”. I know what you’re thinking: Sharks? Hey, I’m out for the ratings, so I’m having some teenage snowboarders in bikinis jump the shark.

Ratings Gold.

It’s so cold that in Green Bay people are grilling beer.

Apparently this happened at a football game tailgating party, where it was so cold the beer froze and had to be set on the grill to thaw out. In related news, a nearby fan received a concussion after he asked someone to throw him a brat.

And now you know why I don’t go to football game tailgating parties.

It’s so cold that I filled my column up with twenty-three repetitions of “it’s so cold”, because my chilled mind couldn’t come up with anything else.

Okay, how about this: It’s so cold that when I came in from shoveling snow I climbed into the refrigerator to get warm.

Oh, here’s one: It’s so cold people were getting frostbite while thinking about going outside.

No?
 
Well, I’m too cold to care.

8 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. This is not a smile. It's a frozen grimace.

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  2. These are all good ones, Mark...but I saw Miley Cyrus on TV earlier, and she's still half-naked....

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    Replies
    1. I don't want to even imagine having to treat frostbit nipples ...

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  3. I love it - grilling beer. I've got to try that for the Superbowl.

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    Replies
    1. If I tried it, there'd be broken glass and stitches involved.

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  4. Rumour has it the Groundhog's already decided spring will be very late in showing itself this year...

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    Replies
    1. If the groundhog knows what's good for it, it won't even bother poking its head above the snowdrift.

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