Underwear Meme Goes Overboard

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

            Do you know what “meme” is?

            Me neither, so I looked it up on that paragon of accuracy, Wikipedia. Turns out it’s a shortened version of “mimeme”, an ancient Greek word meaning something imitated, or to imitate, or in this case maybe to irritate. The concept propagated through the web, often in the form of a question and answer quiz you’re supposed to fill out, then pass along to all your friends.

            I was sent an underwear meme.

            Seems a bit personal? Well, that’s the nature of memes. Many are designed so people who become friends online get to know more personal details about each other, just as they would if they became friends in real life and, say, sat around talking about their underwear. ‘Cause that’s what my friends always sat around doing.

            “Say, you try them new Fruit of the Looms?”

            “Yep, they seemed a bit binding.”

            No, I never took it easy around the poker table, drinking beer and discussing undies. Not only did I have no desire to, but it didn’t seem like the kind of thing my friends want to hear. In fact, I was going to fill the meme out as if written by one of my novel characters, which I thought would be more interesting and less embarrassing; not to mention the idea that the more a writer knows about their characters, the better he can write them in a story.

            I’m not sure I buy that on an underwear basis.

            Still, it only seems fair: My friends were being up front about underneath, so shouldn’t I? So here, for the first time: All about my underwear. Make the kids turn away.

What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

In a word, no. What, people nickname their underwear?

“Yeah, let me put on Slim Jim and I’ll be right there.”

“Honey, have you seen Eddie Elastic?”

I don’t think so. I call my underwear … underwear.

Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

Sadly, yes. Speaking as a person who rarely wears shorts and has been made fun of for not removing my shoes in my own home, I can tell you I wouldn’t be thrilled to run around publicly in my tightie whities, or even my Pink Power Rangers pajamas. (What? She was my favorite.)

My dream usually involves not only being in my underwear, but walking around school in my underwear, unable to find my classroom or books, and realizing I’m late for a class I didn’t prepare for. There’s often some falling involved, too.

In other words, my dreams aren’t all that much fun.

What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Poison ivy laced steel wool. I find the fact that I can imagine that to be extremely disturbing.

If you were a pair of panties, what color would you be?

Um … red from embarrassment? Or pink, I guess, since that’s my general skin color. Guess what – these questions get stranger, as tends to happen with memes.

Hm … why do they call panties a “pair”, but bras singular?

Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) would you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Have you seen her? Wowzers … sexy thang. I’d be very surprised if Bill Clinton never hit that.

Yeah … no. I’ve never understood the point of celebrity crushes to begin with, although I do admit to having something of a man crush on talk show host Craig Ferguson and his stirring Scottish brogue. (And Sean Connery, come to think of it … definitely the accent.)

I understand the possibility that some male celebrities may appreciate the underwear toss, assuming they don’t get knocked over by a girdle or a pair of granny panties. However, I can’t imagine any female celebrity being impressed by some guy hurtling his boxers onto a stage, which would most likely cause her to hurl. And not her underwear.

You’re out of clean underwear. What do you do?

I always keep an emergency stash of older underwear in the back of the drawer, just in case. No, I do not go commando. I only saw the movie There’s Something About Mary once, but it left an indelible impression on me, and I always keep a layer of cloth between any zipper and my … self. If you haven’t seen the movie, you can probably guess by context what I’m talking about.

Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any?

Underroos, for the uninitiated, were underwear that had the pattern of superhero costumes on them. You could be Batman, Superman, or if you were a girl, Wonder Women. Or if you were a boy too, I guess, but then you’d face the possibility of your parents sending you into therapy. I never had them, but I now own a fetching Batman … never mind.

I just Googled “Underoos”. Note to self: Tighten up that adult filter setting.

If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

“Have you seen my classroom? Can I borrow your notes?”

How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Um … huh?

There’s always one last weird, unrelated question tacked onto these memes, just to make people do a double take. I’m not sure how PETA feels about forcing animals into tightie whities, but the goat’s bound to be displeased.

By the way, the actual number of bloggers it takes is 42. It may seem like a lot, but bloggers are generally an out of shape bunch, and the goats can get very displeased.

Maybe they should try boxers.