Ironically, I got busy with the weather and didn't get a new blog
written--but this one's from nine years ago, and in internet terms it
might as well be brand new. In reality, of course, tornadoes are horrible things, and they've especially caused a lot of havoc this year.
I complain about winter weather a lot, so maybe it's time to complain about something else:
Spring
weather.
Yes, spring arrived,
kind of, like the proverbial lion. The last day of March brought us a
tornado watch and thunderstorm warning. However, considering the
blizzard warning in Minnesota and South Dakota--at the same time
tornadoes raged through much of the nation--I won't complain.
Oh, who am I kidding?
In
a Hoosier spring we can have a snowstorm one day, a flood the next,
grass fires the day
after that, and the traditional ice storm during basketball playoffs.
It's actually possible to have an ice/fire tornado, if the conditions
are right. I mean, wrong.
So
it comes as
no surprise that the Governor was delayed by snow drifts on his way to
declare March 12 through 18 Severe Weather Preparedness Week. I’d have
done it myself if security
hadn’t kicked me out of his office.
I waited to
put this out until after that week, so if something horrible happened it
wouldn’t seem like I was going for ironic.
As part of
the celebration … er … observation, the State of Indiana educates,
conducts alert system tests, and otherwise tries to keep people from getting
killed. Honestly, nothing brings down a wonderful spring day like death.
I thought I'd help out despite the Governor's restraining order, so let me explain what watch and warning levels and storm
terms are:
A Watch
means you should stay at your cookout, gaze at the blue sky and make fun of the
weatherman right up until the first wind gust blows away your “kiss the cook”
hat.
A Warning
means that if you haven’t sought shelter, you
will die.
A Funnel
Cloud should not be mistaken for a funnel cake, which generally kills
only one person at a time. Funnel clouds are just tornadoes that haven’t
touched the ground; maybe they will, maybe they won’t. If you want to gamble,
go to Vegas. Just to make it more fun, sometimes tornadoes reach the ground and
start tearing things up even though the bottom part is still invisible. You
could be looking at a “funnel cloud” right up until the moment your mobile home
changes zip codes.
 |
| A funnel cloud. And no, I wasn't going to get any closer. |
A Tornado
is really, really bad.
Straight
Line Winds can cause as much damage as tornadoes, but aren’t associated
with rotation. You can often tell the damage path of these winds by finding
people who are standing in the debris, insisting it was a tornado.
A Squall
Line is what happens when I forget my wedding anniversary.
Thunderstorms
are storms that produce thunder. See what I did, there?
Lighting
kills more people than tornadoes, but of course tornadoes are more fun …
um … attention grabbing. Tornadoes are like people who get drunk and try to
jump motorcycles over sheds using homemade ramps: They’re senseless,
spectacular, injury rates are high, and in the end nothing good comes from them
except to remind people they’re bad.
Just the
same, lightning is also no fun, and can strike miles away from where you think
the storm is. Of people struck by lightning, 70% suffered serious long term
effects, 10% are permanently killed, and 20% don’t admit being hurt, or didn’t
hear the question.
The average
forward speed of a tornado is 30 mph, but they can travel up to 70 mph …
or remain motionless, which is really unfortunate if you happen to be
under one at the time.
The average
width of the funnel on the ground is about 100 yards. Think about that. And,
like a flatulent Godzilla, that doesn’t include the wind damage around it. Some
can get over a mile wide. (Tornadoes, I mean, not gassy Godzillas. Wow.) If
you think about it, trying to outrun a 70 mph, mile wide tornado in a car is
about as smart as trying to jump a shed from a homemade ramp after your tenth
beer.
Tornadoes
are most likely from April to June, which means pretty much nothing these days.
The last time I took an airplane flight it was delayed by a tornado—in
November.
So, when do you need to prepare for
severe weather? Anytime. Remember, no matter what the season, it only takes a
few beers to start building a ramp.
Remember, every time you buy a book, Godzilla rolls over and goes back to sleep. Save Tokyo.
There was a tornado here some years ago.
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of a YouTube clip of a crazy Aussie guy running towards a tornado.
Well, that's an Australian--he probably figured tornadoes were the least of his dangers.
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