I'm the Real Weather Wizard

 Seasonal changes can get confusing. Of course, every place in the world has the same expression: If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes: It'll change. (There are possible exceptions, such as, say, the middle of the Sahara.)

The reason it's a universal concept is because it's true. But I'll add something: I have the ability to effect the weather.

How do I do this? By not wanting to.

Some things thrive no matter what the weather. I am not one of those things.

 

I've known for years that what we used to call Indian Summer would not arrive in Indiana until I've completely winterized the house. September, November--doesn't matter. Winterizing my house, which was built before anyone had ever heard of winterizing, is serious business. A square mile of clear plastic is involved. Six miles of various kinds of tape. I swaddle the air conditioner with a special cover designed just for it ... to which I add numerous yards of duct tape, after once finding the cover wrapped around the bank sign next door.

This must all be done before the last warm weather of summer arrives.

I found this growing in the back yard this spring. Not sure when it was planted, but it doesn't seem to need much water.

 

One year, as an experiment, I didn't prepare for winter at all. We had no autumn that time around: It went straight from summer into winter. Honestly, I don't think the frozen pipes and hypothermia were worth proving the point.

This spring I thought I had it beat (again). I watched the long range forecast very carefully, and instead of opening up the house for spring, I waited until I saw the inevitable spring snowstorm approach. It did, then the temperatures got into the 70s. That Friday I happily turned off the furnace and took down the storm windows.

That Saturday I brought out the space heaters and extra blankets. For meals that weekend we baked every bit of frozen food we had, and slept by the stove. We made the dog sleep with us, which annoyed him greatly--he already has a fur coat.

"Sunshine makes me smile. And pant."

 

So there you have it: I can control the weather. Kneel before me.

Or at least, bring me some firewood.

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