SLIGHTLY OFF THE
MARK
Do you know what “meme” is?
Me neither, so I looked it up on
that paragon of accuracy, Wikipedia. Turns out it’s a shortened version of
“mimeme”, an ancient Greek word meaning something imitated, or to imitate, or in
this case maybe to irritate. The concept propagated through the web, often in
the form of a question and answer quiz you’re supposed to fill out, then pass
along to all your friends.
I was sent an underwear meme.
Seems a bit personal? Well, that’s
the nature of memes. Many are designed so people who become friends online get
to know more personal details about each other, just as they would if they
became friends in real life and, say, sat around talking about their underwear.
‘Cause that’s what my friends always sat around doing.
“Say, you try them new Fruit of the
Looms?”
“Yep, they seemed a bit binding.”
No, I never took it easy around the
poker table, drinking beer and discussing undies. Not only did I have no desire
to, but it didn’t seem like the kind of thing my friends want to hear. In fact,
I was going to fill the meme out as if written by one of my novel characters,
which I thought would be more interesting and less embarrassing; not to mention
the idea that the more a writer knows about their characters, the better he can
write them in a story.
I’m not sure I buy that on an
underwear basis.
Still, it only seems fair: My
friends were being up front about underneath, so shouldn’t I? So here, for
the first time: All about my underwear. Make the kids turn away.
What do you call
your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?
In a word, no. What, people nickname
their underwear?
“Yeah, let me put on Slim Jim and I’ll
be right there.”
“Honey, have you seen Eddie Elastic?”
I don’t think so. I call my underwear …
underwear.
Have you ever
had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your
underwear?
Sadly, yes. Speaking as a person who
rarely wears shorts and has been made fun of for not removing my shoes in my
own home, I can tell you I wouldn’t be thrilled to run around publicly in my
tightie whities, or even my Pink Power Rangers pajamas. (What? She was my
favorite.)
My dream usually involves not only being
in my underwear, but walking around school in my underwear, unable to find
my classroom or books, and realizing I’m late for a class I didn’t prepare for.
There’s often some falling involved, too.
In other words, my dreams aren’t all
that much fun.
What is the
worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?
Poison ivy laced steel wool. I find the
fact that I can imagine that to be extremely disturbing.
If you were a
pair of panties, what color would you be?
Um … red from embarrassment? Or pink, I
guess, since that’s my general skin color. Guess what – these questions get
stranger, as tends to happen with memes.
Hm … why do they call panties a “pair”,
but bras singular?
Have you ever
thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)?
If not, which one(s) would you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?
Former Secretary of State Madeleine
Albright. Have you seen her? Wowzers … sexy thang. I’d be very surprised if
Bill Clinton never hit that.
Yeah … no. I’ve never understood the
point of celebrity crushes to begin with, although I do admit to having
something of a man crush on talk show host Craig Ferguson and his stirring
Scottish brogue. (And Sean Connery, come to think of it … definitely the
accent.)
I understand the possibility that some
male celebrities may appreciate the underwear toss, assuming they don’t get
knocked over by a girdle or a pair of granny panties. However, I can’t imagine
any female celebrity being impressed by some guy hurtling his boxers onto a
stage, which would most likely cause her
to hurl. And not her underwear.
You’re out of
clean underwear. What do you do?
I always keep an emergency stash of
older underwear in the back of the drawer, just in case. No, I do not go commando. I only saw the movie There’s Something About Mary once, but
it left an indelible impression on me, and I always keep a layer of cloth
between any zipper and my … self. If you haven’t seen the movie, you can
probably guess by context what I’m talking about.
Are you old
enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any?
Underroos, for the uninitiated, were underwear
that had the pattern of superhero costumes on them. You could be Batman,
Superman, or if you were a girl, Wonder Women. Or if you were a boy too, I
guess, but then you’d face the possibility of your parents sending you into
therapy. I never had them, but I now own a fetching Batman … never mind.
I just Googled “Underoos”. Note to self:
Tighten up that adult filter setting.
If you could
have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?
“Have you seen my classroom? Can I
borrow your notes?”
How many
bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?
Um … huh?
There’s always one last weird, unrelated
question tacked onto these memes, just to make people do a double take. I’m not
sure how PETA feels about forcing animals into tightie whities, but the goat’s
bound to be displeased.
By the way, the actual number of
bloggers it takes is 42. It may seem like a lot, but bloggers are generally an
out of shape bunch, and the goats can get very
displeased.
Maybe they should try boxers.