Slightly Off the Mark: More Presidential Predictions, or: I have a time machine!

I was very curious to know what the results would be from the upcoming US Presidential election, so I borrowed a car from a friend of mine and went to check it out.

When that baby hit 88 mph, I saw some serious stuff.

First of all, I was surprised to learn of the massive grass-roots write-in campaign that led to the election of "None of the above".

It perhaps comes as no surprised that after a tie vote in the Senate, Senate President Kamala Harris cast the deciding vote to deny the results, her reasoning being that None Of the Above is not a real person. That led to a surprising challenge from California, by a person who, in 2005, did indeed have their name changed legally from Karma Applebutter to None Of the Above.

None--if I can call them that--lost their case after it was discovered they were born to Swedish parents during an airplane trip from London to Dubai to protest climate change. For those of you who haven't read it, that made them Constitutionally unable to run for the highest office. The same held true for their VP candidate, Toker Guitarsolo, although they claimed to have at least been conceived during a northern California wine tasting event.

This left the election winner as the second biggest vote getter, which was another surprise because, it turns out, no one had actually checked to see who the second biggest vote getter was.

Vice President Harris again cast the deciding vote in the Senate, contending that, while having a tiger as a Vice President would be kind of cool and useful for dealing with dictatorships, Calvin and Hobbes technically are not real people.

This came as a great disappointment, and in the years since has generally been recognized as a great opportunity lost.

A movement to repeat the election collapsed when Donald Trump and Joe Biden announced they were leaving politics to become standup comedians. Their HBO special, "Joe and Don Comedy Tour" broke viewership records and won three Emmy Awards.

In the end Kamala Harris was certified as winning the election by narrow margins in both the popular and electoral vote, after serving as temporary President until the recount was finished in early 2026. The last of the legal challenges was thrown out of the 9th Circuit Court just after Harris finished her second term in 2039. The attorneys pushing that lawsuit disappeared shortly thereafter.

"Oh, a sanity clause won't work here."

Harris' suspension of the Constitutional to allow her to serve longer is hardly surprising, considering the outbreak of the Second Civil War in 2029. The conflict, between one side that called itself the United States and another that called itself the United States, ended quickly when the side nicknamed "The Coast States" discovered that their opponents in "The Middle" did indeed have a lot more guns and ammunition. The US Military, busy in other countries, declared itself neutral.

Presidents Harris and Vance then held a productive meeting in which The Coast agreed to stop making reality TV shows. The Middle promised to keep sending food to the cities, whose populations had never been entirely clear on where most food came from.

The citizens of Chicago later tried to secede and join Canada, but Canadian Prime Minister Justin Beiber refused, saying Chicago was "too mean".

So, there you have it. As I predicted last week, Kamala Harris will be declared the next President. Hold your noses and vote, people.

Remember, folks: Humor. Parody. Stuff like that. While I still believe Harris will be declared winner, I can't confirm or deny that I have a time machine.

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