My Farewell Letter to Dispatch

 I doubt many people take a job with the plan of staying on until retirement. I didn't; I was going to be a firefighter who wrote books on his off days. But about 34 years ago I went to work at the Noble County Jail, and a few years later moved to dispatch, and I've been there ever since. We're now in a different building, calling ourselves Noble County Communications, but at its heart the job remains the same.

 

 Nobody does anything for 34 years, anymore. Is it any wonder that, despite how burned out I became toward the end, I'm still leaving with mixed feelings?

As time went on I saw a lot of other people come and go. I became unhappy there--partially because I wasn't writing books, partially because it can tear your heart out. But I'm going to miss the people. Not the ones on the other end of the phone line, necessarily, but the ones I worked with.

When you spend a third of your life with the same people, they become a family. Of course, sometimes families get dysfunctional! But we are a family, and I'll miss them. Maybe I'll come and just hang out in dispatch. Probably not; at least, not until I get myself off the stress, depression, and blood pressure medications.


I won't miss some of the technology, most of which didn't exist when I started. We had one computer, with a little green screen (remember DOS?) that we used to run license plates and driver's licenses. Paging a fire department or ambulances involved pushing actual buttons. Every new call to be dispatched was written out on a half-sized sheet of paper called a green sheet, which was--green. Traffic stops didn't get written down at all.

At the end I was sitting at a console with seven monitors, one main keyboard, and three mice. On an average night we have 8-9 browser tabs up (texting, recorder, EMS map, and so on), the phone board, the radio board with its 27 channels on five tabs, and, of course, the Computer Aided Dispatch program.


 The CAD program was by (Redacted Company Name). I hate (RCN). We've never had an easy to use CAD, but (RCN) was deliberately made to be as non-intuitive as possible. I'm convinced of that. I was always running into trouble by trying to do things in a way that made sense. There are always five more steps than should be necessary. At first I thought this was all stuff (RCN) was working on fixing, but I came to realize their programmers are actually having fun. Maybe playing a drinking game: "Take a shot whenever anyone curses at the system!" Bunch of alcoholics.

Anyway, for every bad time it seems like there was a good, all because of dark humor and mutual support. We, the often overwhelmed dispatchers, should always remember that we do a lot of good. We save lives, and send help, and that ain't too shabby. Thank you for everyone who's put in the effort over the years.

We really need to seek out more mental health care, though.

My current shift partners



 

Of course, this means I now write full time, so look us up here:

 

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

 

 

Remember: Reading is always preferable to calling 911 unless, of course, there’s an actual emergency.

So, I Set Fire to My Snowblower

 If you've followed me long enough, you've probably heard of the Infamous Exploding Lawn Mower Incident.

But probably not--it happened a very long time ago, when my main social media was LiveJournal. Maybe I'll track it down and reprint it one day. It was quite the tale: mushroom clouds, HazMat response, involvement with both the ATF and the Federal Aviation Administration, a Time Magazine article entitled "Will Flying Lawn Mower Blades Cause Global Cooling?" To this day, it's believed an engine bolt is orbiting Earth.

Really, the only way I could top that would be to set fire to a snowblower.

 



If you can actually see this video, I'll be very surprised and impressed at my technical ability.

It couldn't be as bad as the mower. First of all, the snowblower was electric, and didn't have much power to begin with. That might be what killed it: overwork. this is the first time I ever tried to run it through three foot snow drifts, and I suspect it was designed more for Texans who use them once every five years for a two inch catastrophe.

Besides, it was four degrees, and still snowing. A shovel full from a foot away, and any small appliance fire is out. I've responded to grass fires where I just stepped out of the fire engine and stomped the flames out with my boot--it was like that. Embarrassing. A wafting wisp of smoke, to be poetic.

 

Which doesn't mean the incident won't get bigger and bigger, every time I describe it. By the turn of the decade it will involve a blizzard, the National Guard, and the Space Force zapping parts out of orbit.

What happened? Well, the snowblower acted a lot like my back: It complained mildly, then it screamed in agony, then it stopped working. I put ice on both of them.

I suspect it burned out a belt thingy, as happened last year with our vacuum cleaner. (The snowblower, not my back.) There was smoke then, too. In that case I replaced the broken belt, and it still wouldn't work right. Now we have a new vacuum cleaner that I'm afraid to use.

Will I try to fix the snowblower? Probably not. We got it on clearance, it's four years old, and every light in the house dimmed whenever I plugged it in. I probably should consider myself lucky for not being electrocuted the first time, let alone trying to replace a belt thingy. Besides, I'm only assuming there is a belt thingy.


Now I can only hope there's not another snowstorm this winter, and we all know how my hopes go. Since I'm retiring from dispatch, I figured out how many books we needed to sell to replace the blower, and it comes out to 347, depending on the book. I can do that in a year, but by then we'll probably have to replace the stove.

The good news is that the neighbors on either side of me have real snowblowers, the gas powered kind. They've always been nice to me, at least since the restraining order prevented me from singing outside. 

 I should consider myself fortunate the DHS didn't set up a tent in our yard again--it killed all the grass, last time.

Maybe that was for the best.

 

There's always the traditional method.

 

None of our books have ever been reported as catching fire:

 

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

 

Remember: Most authors are so mechanically incompetent they need book sales to pay for home repairs.

Have a Laugh For Valentine's Day

This has been around for a while now,  but I still think it's a good choice for a Valentine's Day gift--assuming you haven't already bought it for a Valentine's Day gift. Flowers annually are accepted; the same book every year would bring you trouble.



 

Let me run this scenario past you. Your significant other says, "You never use your imagination when you get me gifts."

So Instead of flowers or chocolate, this year you give her flower-shaped chocolates.

Let me know how sleeping on the couch works out.

Or, you can get them a book about Valentine's Day. Now that I think about it, maybe you should have it delivered with flowers ... just in case.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1936955040

A bunch of us got together a decade or so ago to write this humor anthology, and it could save your romantic life ... unless you got a copy last year, too. In that case--unless you have a different significant other--you might want to consider lingerie. Or, um ... chocolate flavored lingerie in a flower print.

Or you could gift them one of my romantic comedy novels. They're about romance, after all--but a book that actually has a Valentine on the cover seems appropriate.







Another good reason to stay home with our books is right there in the weather forecast.

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

 

Remember: Reading can be a great way to not be outside in January.