Books and Bows and Valentines Day

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So usually I just put a link to the newsletter here, but in this case I'm adding it all. (Subscribe anyway!) Why? Because my daughter made a thing, and it's cool, and she has our books on it, too. If you do want to pop over and see the latest and all the other newsletters, check right here:

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So, how has 2022 being treating you, so far?


That bad, huh? Yeah, me too.

It's January, so we really shouldn't expect much, but still. Here with the Hunter family it's been illness, injury, and even a sick dog, not to mention the end of the month is the first anniversary of my brother's death, not to mention not mentioning I don't do well in winter, anyway.
 
Since I know you're all wondering, Beowulf is lots better. He's still sleeping a lot, but hey--it's January.

That's my excuse for why the new version of Storm Chaser Shorts (now called Storm Squalls) is not yet out: We just haven't had the mental energy. In fact, since writing is one thing that actually gets me through rough times, instead of publishing I wrote a rough draft of a novella this month--as if I didn't have enough manuscripts in need of editing/submitting/publishing!

We'll get there. Meanwhile, the only thing we've got to look forward to next month is Valentines Day. Whether you look forward to it with a smile or a frown, it's still going to be there. I have two suggestions for gifts, for that significant other in your life:
The old perennial is still there, of course: I was one of the contributors to My Funny Valentine, an anthology of holiday related humor pieces that I would describe as being humor ... about the holiday. Yep.

I still have a few copies for direct order, but you can find both print and ebook versions here:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006JROL8K

It's a great alternative for those who don't like flowers, like my wife, or those who aren't supposed to have chocolate, like me.

Meanwhile my daughter Charis has set up a website where she's selling all sorts of great gift ideas--including our books!



See the "local authors" tab? That would be Emily and me. Yay! But there are all kinds of other neat things on the site, for yourself, your loved ones, your hated ones if you're in the mood--whoever. Kitchen stuff, clothes stuff, kids stuff, it's all very neat. Charis is in a circumstance that keeps her home most of the time, so being able to craft these items is a delight for her. I kind of like the hair bows, but I don't have the hair for it.

Among the shirts she designed is the one below, which she gave me for Christmas. Just wanted to show it off! Check her out when you get a chance.
Notice the pun ... and I have my eyes closed. Get it? I'll be here all night.
That's it for now, I hope you are all getting by as best you can, and remember, when it comes to weather and most other things: This too will pass. Hang in there, and keep reading!

Amazon Ads and Unsolvable Puzzles, But I Repeat Myself

 I embarked on a fun experiment at the end of November, and by fun I mean it wasn't much fun, and by experiment I mean I had no idea what I was doing.

One of my goals has been to increase book sales, a goal for most authors. The problem is, when it comes to sales an author is competing with--well, almost all those other authors. Writers don't like to think of themselves as being in competition. Writing can be tough, and selling--well, that's way worse. So we support other writers, because we know just how hard it can be.

That doesn't change the fact that there are only so many readers, seemingly fewer all the time ... and a lot of those readers are writers. They can read only so many books--I only managed about a dozen or so last year. So, while we'd like all authors to succeed, we all have to fight to be heard ... I mean, read.

Social media, once a great way to get the word out, has in the last few years bombed. Why? Because the people who run social media sites have realized they can get money from people who are trying to get the word out. As a result, they've changed things around so that an author finds it almost impossible to reach people on the internet, unless they pony up some cash, first.

And most of us can't afford a pony.

"Wait ... no ponies?"
 

So I tried promotion websites, and I tried Facebook Ads. Both gave me a few more sales, but not enough to justify the money I spent. Here's a fun fact, kids: If you spend more on advertising than you make in sales, it's bad. (It does sometimes work in the short term, like those "loss leaders" offered in stores.)

And so I turned to Amazon Ads.

Honestly, I'd rather sell direct, through our website or an independent bookstore. I'd also rather eat chocolate for all meals and be 25 years old again, forever. But never mind that--in this case we're talking about Amazon, the Godzilla of online selling. (I've heard Apple is the second biggest online bookseller.)

Figuring out how to run an Amazon ad is hard.

I mean, driving in a NASCAR race when you've never actually driven at all hard.

I had to learn about impressions, clicks, targeting, keywords, and, most important of all, ACOS.

That means Advertising Cost of Sales. In other words, how much does it cost you to sell a book? If ACOS is over 100, you're spending more money on ads than the book itself sells for. This is bad. If your ACOS is right at 100 you're still in trouble, because Amazon takes a cut--you're still spending more than your' making. The best number is right around 30, give or take, so you're making at least a little money.

I decided to experiment with my latest published novel, Coming Attractions. I set up an Amazon ad for the book, which hasn't sold a single copy through Amazon since November--of 2020.

On November 27 of 2021, my Coming Attractions e-book Amazon rating was 2,931,646. That's almost three million books selling better than mine. On November 28, the rating was 264,568.   It peaked on New Year's Eve at 63,798. That was the book's highest Amazon ranking ever, including when it was first published--when I labored long hours to publicize it.

 My goal for last year was to sell an average of one copy of our books every day. It didn't happen. In December it did: 37 e-book copies and two print copies of Coming Attractions, and one copy of The No-Campfire Girls sold in a little over thirty days. Here's what it looked like:



After a few weeks of joy and celebration I checked my numbers, and what I found made me very unhappy.

I was indeed selling a lot of books, but when I checked the ACOS, I learned that for every 99 cent e-book I sold, I was spending almost nine dollars to advertise it. This, for those of you who don't care to do the math, is unsustainable, unless you're a millionaire who's not concerned about spending money. I'm not a millionaire. I don't think I'm even a thousandaire.

So, like any sharp businessman, I panicked.

I spent the next several days tweaking all the details, including the list of terms I mentioned earlier. My sales dropped, but as of the first full weekend of January I've gotten my ACOS down to 56%. For me that's about breaking even, so still not great, but at least I'm not bleeding money. They don't make bandages for that.

I'm going to try again, of course, this time going in a little wiser. I haven't decided whether to try one of my other published books, or wait until the next new one comes along, but for once in my life I haven't been cowed by math. Much. I should add that most people who use Amazon ads say it's pretty common to have high ACOS ... ACOS's? ... at first, although I suspect my early numbers would have made them faint.

If you decide to try it, my best advise is to learn everything you possibly can about the process, first. The homework might save you some cash. How have you other authors been doing in your sales attempts? Any tips?

 


 


The Headache Medicine That Gives You Headaches

 Just a few medical thoughts shooting through my mind like a runaway bottle rocket (only the thoughts aren't as exciting). Come to think of it, fireworks were once involved in my medical condition, but never mind.

My annual major sinus infection has arrived, a bit later than usual, possibly as another way to welcome in the New Year. Because I'm having more pain and pressure this time (Naturally--it's the Roaring Pain 20s.), the Doc decided to put me on prednisone.

Despite my previous experience with the stuff.

Well, maybe it'll be different this time. After all, that's what people have been saying about 2022, isn't it?

"It has to be better than 2021!"

Hah. No, it doesn't.

The irony is that last time they gave me prednisone, several years ago, I was struck with one of the typical side effects: severe headache. So, to help my headache, I'm taking a med that gives me headaches.

It could be worse.

Speaking of headaches, the morning I went to pick up the prednisone and my old friends, the antibiotics, we had an ice storm. It wasn't much of an ice storm, but I'm sure my walk to the car was a good preview of how I'll be walking when I'm 90, assuming a sinus infection hasn't killed me by then.

Bad weather, especially when it's cold, tends to give me ... sinus headaches.

Still, a lot of the really bad winter weather this year has been south of us. My humorist friend, Barry Parham, lives in South Carolina, and this year has seen five times the amount of snow we have. I hate snow. The only kind of precipitation I hate more is ... ice.

I survived the trip to pick up my meds (how ironic would it be if I didn't?), and my only near-collision was when I got buzzed by a speed skating competition. Then I came home, read the list of prednisone side-effects, and promptly called in sick on the assumption I'd get them all.

No, of course I didn't call in sick--I don't do that unless I'm running a fever, or missing both legs.(Maybe I would show up if I lost both legs. I've never tried it.) On the subject of showing up, the day before the ice storms I was exposed to someone who the next day tested positive for COVID.

Tell me again how wonderful 2022 is going to be.

It could always be worse.
 

I thought that would give me a week home to write, but no--unfortunately, I'm fully vaccinated, the person who tested positive just had their booster and is asymptomatic, and I'm just not that good at faking illness. Even my grandmother and the dog are feeling better.

Speaking of the dog, the veterinarian says the med she gave us for Beowulf tastes even worse than prednisone, and that's going some. How the vet knows that, I was afraid to ask.

This explains why we gave up trying to give him the pill in food (the dog, not the vet), and Emily had to resort to force. I mean, on the dog--I took mine voluntarily, and thus have no excuse. Emily correctly informed me that I'm not tough enough to do the job, which involves prying open Beowulf's jaws and shooting the pill in like a basketball. All she had to do was avoid the three-point bite.

(Our high school men's basketball team just won their conference championship, so I'm allowed to make a basketball joke even though I hate basketball.)

So, having left the second full week of the year behind, my impression remains the same as it did after the first week: 2022 sucks.

Unless you're a Central Noble basketball player. Or manufacture medicine.

"At least you didn't get vertigo, fella."

 

Injured Grandma, Sick Dog

Before we start, let me stress: Everyone's doing better.

 

So, how has 2022 been for you, so far? A rerun of the last two years? Me, too.

The first week of the year we had to take Beowulf to the animal hospital in Fort Wayne, and we returned just in time to learn my 96 year old grandmother was being taken to a human hospital with a possible broken hip. This was the day my three day work weekend started: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, 12 hours each. Some of the kids at work like having more days off, but for me it takes a couple of days after to recover.

The horse was not involved with her fall.
 

 But never mind that, the important stuff is as follows: Grandma Nannie (Nannie is her real name) did not have a broken hip, although she did bang it up pretty good. She's going to have to have physical therapy, and as a person married to someone who just finished that, I can tell you it's no fun even for someone younger.

But the good news is that for rehab she's been transferred to Lutheran Life Villages in Kendallville, where she's stayed before, and so at least is not in a pandemic overwhelmed hospital.

I found out about her fall when I got to work Friday night. Earlier in the day I'd laid down to take my pre-work nap, but after about an hour Emily woke me to say the dog needed to go to the vet. Waking me and using the word "vet" are not things she takes lightly.

We had a chore getting Beowulf in the car, and they had to take him into the animal hospital on a cot. If you're not a pet lover, you might not understand just how distressing that is. Well ... it is.

He kept throwing up and stumbling into things, veering constantly to the left. He was like a drunk Democrat. ('Cause--left. It's a joke, like when I had a right leaning lawn mower.) The verdict: Vertigo. The Doc said he had a neurological condition (dog, not Doc), which comes in two types: The "In a few days he'll start doing better" type, or the "would you prefer burial or cremation" type. After numerous tests, the Doc thought it was the "good" one.

With me working twelve hour shifts all weekend, which I can only handle with a dose of melatonin and ten hours of strange dreams in between, it was left to Emily to nurse poor Beowulf through the weekend. (It was Emily who took these pictures of him--she would send pics to me as updates.)

Granted that once the meds took effect he slept a lot, but she had to be near him the whole time for when he woke up and tried to stagger around. Also, she had to give him the meds that we couldn't sneak into food, because the meds made him lose his appetite. Personally, I think she deserves a reward other than a good night's sleep, which she also deserves. Cheesecake?

So that's how the opening of 2022 went for us. Everyone seems on the road to recovery, so I guess you could call that a win, although I'd just as soon not have things like this happen to begin with.


Family Christmas photos

 I don't get to see all three and a half of my grandchildren all together that often, because of schedules, and pandemics, and the like. But we were able to have a small gathering the morning of Christmas Eve (After that it was my weekend to work). Shockingly, we (mostly Emily and Charis) took pictures. I didn't get a picture of the third and a half grandkid, because she's still baking, and should come out of the oven in the spring.


These are the kids: Charis on the left, Jill on the right with her second daughter in hiding, and the big kid in the middle, otherwise known as Father Sithmas.


These are the grandkids, although the fact that I positioned us wrong for the picture is glaringly obvious. (Get it? Glaring?) Hunter on the left, his twin Brayden on the right (they are SO twins!) Between me and the Christmas tree is Lilli.


Getting Lilli and Beowulf together and unmoving long enough to take a photo is like capturing a fart in a skillet, although--who would want to do that? He was pretty much glued to her most of the morning, though.


I realize now we didn't get a picture of Vince--I'll have to shoot for that at our next family gathering. But Charis took this photo, so here's Emily with me and Beowulf--and Lilli photo bombing. Clearly Charis is the better photographer.



 


movie review: Spider Man: No Way Home

 This is going to be a short one, because I don't like to put spoilers in my reviews--and "Spider-Man: No Way Home" is about as chock full of spoilers as any movie could be. Still, I should get something out of almost getting killed on the way home from the theater, so here goes.

At the close of "Spider Man: Far From Home" the duel lives of Peter Parker (Tom Holland, still my favorite Spider-Man) are revealed, and all the world knows he's a superhero. It doesn't go well. But then, nothing is ever easy for Peter. Casting around for a solution, Peter thinks: "Hey--casting. I'll talk to Doctor Strange!" (See what I did there?)

Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) feels grateful for Peter helping with that whole Thanos thing, so despite dire warnings he agrees to cast a spell that will make everyone forget Peter and Spidey are one in the same. But--again--things go horribly wrong, when Peter keeps wanting to make exceptions during the spell casting. Soon other realities are opening, forcing Strange, Peter, and his friends to fight a multitude of new challenges to keep the entire universe from unraveling.

Nothing like high stakes.

Spider-Man: No Way Home has a Star Wars nod you might have missed

Now, chances are good that if you're interested in this movie, you're already aware of major reveals and surprise characters that pop up here. Just the same, I don't want to ruin the fun, so I'll just say "Spider-Man: No Way Home" is ... well, fun. I expected that.

What I didn't expect was the depth of characters, and the truly heart-rending moments that people who don't watch "comic book movies" would be surprised about. (Marvel fans know that, of course, having shed more than a tear or two over character deaths and other tragedies. Jeeze, Thanos, who didn't you just ask for twice the resources?)

Marvel has an uncanny ability to fit in a proverbial cast of thousands, and still have a coherent plot and great character moments. Here that makes for the best of the Spider-Man movies, and one of the better MCU flicks. I should have seen that coming, since Spidey always has a lot of heart--that's his real attraction.

My only caveat: To fully appreciate this movie, you really need to go back and watch all the previous Spider-Man movies--even though technically most weren't set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I've missed one, although I didn't have trouble keeping up, but it's a lot more fun if you see what's come before.

My score:

Entertainment Value: 5 out of 4 M&Ms. Because it's my rating system, and I can. It was totally worth holding my bladder, and then almost dying in a snowstorm.

Oscar Potential: 3 out of 4 M&Ms. In addition to the usual--effects and such--several of the performances here are at the Academy level, although I can't mention most of them because--spoilers. But the Academy will, of course, nominate movies they love: Slow and downbeat.


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