Slightly Off the Mark

Strange but "true" facts about me

Do you remember those memes from years back, when you put your name in and it gave silly answers to your life, future, who would rescue you in the zombie apocalypse, stuff like that?

No? Well, in social media time it was a century ago, so whatever. Anyway, I re-found this one recently: a purported list of outrageous facts about ... me. I generated it back about, oh ... well, it's not important how long ago, never mind.

About 100 people choke to death on Mark Hunter each year. (Hey, watch it with the dirty jokes.)
Mark Hunter can use only about ten percent of his brain! (Thinking hard is, like ... hard.)
Mark Hunter once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest. (So sue me, I own only so many pillows.)
The only planet that rotates on its side is Mark Hunter! (Maybe so, but at least I don't have a ring like Uranus.)
Mark Hunter can only be destroyed by intense heat, and is impermeable even to acid. (Thank goodness no one has thought to try heated acid.)
99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as Mark Hunter. (That, or Uranus.)
During World War II, Americans tried to train Mark Hunter to drop bombs! (Then they found out about my notorious sense of direction.)
Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw Mark Hunter into a volcano it would stop erupting. (Obviously they never heard about the intense heat thing.)
Baskin Robbins once made Mark Hunter flavored ice cream! (It tasted like desperation and low self-esteem.)
Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of Mark Hunter in a day. (The only way to stop them is to rotate on my side.)

See, wasn't that fun? I tried another one to see where I was on the political spectrum, but ... that wasn't fun at all.

Another fun fact: Mark Hunter's beard is Velcro to cat fur.

The fact is, you can get our books and read more about us here:

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter
·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/
·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/
·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/
·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914
·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/
·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter
·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter
·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter
·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914
·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914
·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember, every time you read a book, you learn something new. Sometimes even something useful.

Who's your Favorite Hoosier, or: Sequel Season in Indiana

Okay, so, let's say--hypothetically--that I was getting ready to work on a sequel to Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest, Without Moving at All.

If you've read Hoosier Hysterical ("and why not?" he said sternly), you know it's a humor book about Indiana history and trivia. People seem to like it, but my first though on a sequel was, "What do I do next?" I covered history. I covered a lot of trivia, too, although not all by any means.

So eventually the idea I came up with was a book about two things: The people who came here and/or started here and made their fame elsewhere, and the special little places that make the Hoosier State so ... weird.

You can bet Emily and I are going to visit the Uranus Fudge Factory in Richmond, for instance. I predict the puns will hit the fan.

So here's what I need from you. I mean, other than book reviews, word of mouth, and sales. I need you to tell me what little, out of the way attraction and/or person of note you'd like us to cover in our book, which I called Hoosier Hysterical-er until Emily told me no.

I can't guarantee we'll fit them all in, and I can't guarantee we'll be able to visit all of them, but we'll surely try. (If we end up with enough material, it might be divided into two books.) We'll also try not to repeat ourselves, so if we already covered something in detail in the first book, it's not likely to show up in the second.

So what do you want to hear about? The world's largest ball of paint? Orville Redenbacher? Orville Wright, and/or his brother? Elvis' hair? There's more than corn in Indiana.

Although there's corn, too. Just ask Orville Redenbacher.

Almost all of our books are related to Indiana, and you can find them here:

Remember: Books about Indiana are as sweet as sugar cream pie, but without the calories. Unless you eat them. Don't eat them.

Ghost In the Publishing Machine

Some time ago, I was ghosted by one of the biggest publishers in the business.

Or maybe not. What do I know?

I submitted a romantic comedy novel to a publisher that has a name similar to one of Batman's villains. There, that won't give it away.

Some people differ on how author-friendly the publisher is, but ever since I started writing romance, I've wanted to write for them. That would be sometime in the early 90s. Before that I was writing science fiction and action/adventure, which I still am, and there I'm still having the same publishing luck.

But by then I had a track record of published novels. I also had a great story with a good title, "Fire On Mist Creek". Or a good story with a great title. I think it's a great title. Is it? It doesn't matter, because Harl--the publisher usually changes the name before publication, anyway.

(And they'd also change my name to a more feminine one, which I don't have a problem with. Maxine Hunter? No? Okay.)

I sent off a query letter, an outline, and the first few chapters of the story in--wait for it--2018. ("Wait for it" is practically the theme of this story.)

Just two months later, which is five hours in publishing time, an editor wrote back and requested a full manuscript! This is a Big Deal. The average traditional publisher receives so many queries that if they aren't occasionally rejected by the dump truck load, they collapse the building.

Then I heard nothing.

For years.

"And this is when I stopped hearing from them."

I sent a "nudge" a year later, and another one two years after that. Nudges are when desperate writers, who at this point want ANY news, gently ask for such news while groveling as much as possible. After the second nudge, I finally got a reply.

They'd lost my manuscript.

So they asked for it again, in early 2021, and I was happy to oblige. A little over a year later, I sent another nudge. And another. I don't feel like going back to count, but I sent several.

I went back to count: It was four. No one wants to annoy an editor, but I started including other people from that particular line, assistant editors and such. By the time I gave up, I'd shotgunned about six different people in my pleas, which had turned from "Like me!" into "At least put me out of my misery!"

When a writer is waiting to hear back on a book submission, the best thing they can do is work on another book. This I did, but there was a thriller-level twist: As I plotted it out, I realized it could easily fit into the Mist Creek world I'd developed. I a huge fan of series. Serieses. Seriez? Serii? Anyway, my Storm Chaser series is a series. That's why I call it a series. So I wove this one into the Mist Creek community.

Then, the next year, my wintertime depression was hitting me pretty good, so I decided to cheer myself up by writing a Christmas romance. Set in Mist Creek. So I did.

So now, with the first book having not sold, I have a series. Most romance publishers love a good series, but they prefer to approve the books individually.

By then I learned something that Harl--the publisher had done that rendered the entire question a moo point.

Maybe it's moot. Anyway, they had changed the requirements for that particular line. Not only did my manuscript no longer fit the description of what they wanted, but it was now 10,000 words too short. They were now also no longer accepting unagented submissions, which is what mine was.

So, I sent them--all of them--an email withdrawing my manuscript. It had been five years.

Was I ghosted? Was it some horrible mishap in which they changed their email provider and mine all got lost in the shuffle? Was it me being male, instead of female? Did I accidentally send my correspondence to a publisher in another dimension, and we'd gone out of phase?

Beats me, and boy, did I feel beaten. But, giving the benefit of the doubt, my withdrawal email was nice and polite, as I tried to keep all my emails. It pays to be nice, and maybe someday they'll answer it.

Besides ... they have other lines open for submission.

You can read our books, romantic or not, here:

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter
·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/
·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/
·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/
·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914
·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/
·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter
·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter
·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter
·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914
·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914
·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember, every time you buy a book from a local author, Big Publishing quakes in its leather-bound boots.

Severe Weather Week, or: Gassy Godzillas

I know it may seem like I already posted a version of this a few years ago, but ... maybe it just blew by again.

Cow.

I complain about winter weather a lot, so maybe it's time to complain about something else:

Spring weather.

Yes, spring arrived, kind of, at least temporarily. We had snow over the weekend, grass fires today, and the promise of thunderstorms in Indiana this week. The weather people are talking about a bomb cyclone west of us that could drop the barometric pressure so low it equals a category 2 hurricane. Right now that same area is under a red flag fire warning.

Also, notice the winter storm warnings in California.

In a Hoosier spring we often have a traditional ice storm during basketball playoffs. It's actually possible to have an ice/fire tornado, if the conditions are right. I mean, wrong.

So it comes as no surprise that the Governor was delayed by snow drifts on his way to declare March 9 through 15 Severe Weather Preparedness Week. I’d have done it myself if security hadn’t kicked me out of his office.

Get Prepared: Severe Weather Preparedness

As part of the celebration … er … observation, the State of Indiana educates, conducts alert system tests, and otherwise tries to keep people from getting killed. Honestly, nothing brings down a wonderful spring day like death.

I thought I'd help out despite the Governor's restraining order, so let me explain what watch and warning levels and storm terms are:

A Watch means you can stay at your cookout, gaze at the blue sky and make fun of the weatherman right up until the first wind gust blows away your “kiss the cook” hat.

A Warning means that if you haven’t sought shelter, you will die.

A Funnel Cloud should not be mistaken for a funnel cake, which generally kills only one person at a time. Funnel clouds are just tornadoes that haven’t touched the ground; maybe they will, maybe they won’t. If you want to gamble, go to Vegas. Just to make it more fun, sometimes tornadoes reach the ground and start tearing things up even though the bottom part is still invisible. You could be looking at a “funnel cloud” right up until the moment your mobile home changes zip codes.

A funnel cloud in Dekalb County, Indiana. No, I wasn't going to get any closer.

A Tornado is really, really bad.

Straight Line Winds can cause as much damage as tornadoes, but aren’t associated with rotation. You can often tell the damage path of these winds by the people standing in the debris, insisting it was a tornado.

A Squall Line is what happens when I forget my wedding anniversary.

Thunderstorms are storms that produce thunder. See what I did, there?

Lighting kills more people than tornadoes, but of course tornadoes are more fun … um … attention grabbing. Tornadoes are like people (okay, men) who get drunk and try to jump motorcycles over sheds using homemade ramps: They’re senseless, spectacular, injury rates are high, and nothing good results except to remind people they’re bad.

Just the same, lightning is also no fun, and can strike miles from where you think the storm is. Of people struck by lightning, 70% suffered serious long-term effects, 10% are permanently killed, and 20% don’t admit being hurt, or didn’t hear the question.

The average forward speed of a tornado is 30 mph, but they can travel up to 70 mph … or remain motionless, which is really unfortunate if you happen to be under one at the time.

The average width of the funnel on the ground is about 100 yards. And, like a flatulent Godzilla, that doesn’t include the wind damage around it. Some can get over a mile wide. (Tornadoes, I mean, not gassy Godzillas.) If you think about it, trying to outrun a 70 mph, mile wide tornado in a car is about as smart as trying to jump a shed from a homemade ramp after your tenth beer.

Tornadoes are most likely from April to June, which means pretty much nothing these days. The last time I took an airplane flight it was delayed by a tornado—in November.

So, when do you need to prepare for severe weather? Anytime. Remember, no matter what the season, it only takes a few beers to start building a ramp.

You can read our storm related books, and the other ones, here:

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter
·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/
·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/
·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/
·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914
·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/
·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter
·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter
·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter
·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914
·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914
·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember, every time you buy a book, Godzilla rolls over and goes back to sleep. Save Tokyo.

Deer, Booze, and Robert Burns

By now you're all sick of 2025 being as bad as 2024, and maybe you're thinking of just cancelling the rest of the 2020s. Low ratings, right? They cancelled Firefly.

But my wife and I are of defiant stock, and we accepted an invitation to go out for a fun-filled Robert Burns Night. I don't generally like driving at night, because that's when the depressed deer come out to throw themselves in front of cars, with the final cry of "I can't take another winter outdoors!"

Still, Robert Burns Night is like Christmas in Scotland, and according to the DNA test I'm 29% Scottish. (And 2% Cameroon, which is in Africa but sounds Scottish.) Burns is Scotland's National Poet, and I'm all for celebrating writers.

You've probably heard, at least once every year, one song Burns had a hand in: Auld Lang Syne. My personal favorite of his is his poem, "To a Louse".

So we made toasts, piped in the haggis, and of course ate neeps and tatties, which I hope aren't related to haggis. It wasn't completely Scottish, because we didn't drink alcohol, and the haggis was meatloaf. Haggis is illegal in the United States due to its sheep lungs, which is actually the least objectionable ingredient.

We celebrated late into the night (okay, for two hours), got to see our old doggie friend Watson and visit with his Scottish humans, and on the way home hit a deer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q13iEaHkqc

If you look carefully, you can see her little white tail bounding away to the right, without a care in the world outside of a sore rump.

Stupid deer.

And that's why I'm in so much pain as I write this. Not because of a lack of haggis, but because by the point of impact I'd slowed from 60 mph to 30, from standing on the brake while simultaneously pulling back on the steering wheel as hard as I could with both hands, while two of my most important body openings slammed shut and Emily yelled "Ghdeiirreee!"

Well, that's what it sounded like to me.

It's basically the same reaction I have whenever the dentist fires up that little drill, and all my stressed muscles hurt after that, too.

I've always loved the acceleration on our Ford Escape, and now I also admire its brakes.

The steering wheel is no longer perfectly round, and there are some marks in the dash that resemble Emily's fingers, but otherwise we came out okay. The only impact damage to the car was a cracked piece of plastic on the front grill, and some deer hair left behind.

We didn't even have to clean the seats, thanks to the aforementioned puckering effect.

This is only the second deer I've ever hit, despite some extremely close calls, so it could have been worse. Emily wanted to track the deer down and bring it home as steaks, but I talked her out of it. It was probably just some teenage deer on a dare, anyway.

I'm fairly sure Robert Burns was in no way involved, unless the deer were also having a Burns Night and went all in with the whiskey (and haggis).

"Now, Bambi, I think you've had enough."

"No, seriously, hold my whiskey and watch me scare this driver!"

Anyway, I'm now composing a poem about how great our car is, based on one of Burns' poems:

"My love is like a ruby red rose."

Because the Escape is ruby red, you see. Okay, I'll workshop it. Maybe it can come out in 2030.

You can read our books here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Deer can’t read, and have to live outside. Coincidence?

Free E-Book, Again

Read An E-book Week is here! While I know it's no Arbor Day, it does afford us an opportunity to ... well, read an e-book. I don't know who invents these things, but on Smashwords a free e-book sale runs from March 2nd to March 8th.

I don't know if reading a print book is banned during this period. It's not a legal holiday, so probably not. However, the advantage is that you could get a free e-book from me and a whole lot of other people, from this Smashwords link:

https://www.smashwords.com/shelves/promos

This is the third time in a year Smashwords has had a similar promotion, but it's never a bad time to fill up the reading device of your choice--especially if you fill it with Coming Attractions, the only book of mine that's up on Smashwords. (Other than the two anthologies I have stories in.) The link to Coming Attractions, which you can get on various formats, is here:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

The links to the two anthologies, also free, are here:

The Very True Legends of Ol' Man Wickleberry and his Demise - Ink Slingers' Anthlogy

Strange Portals - Ink Slingers' Fantasy/Horror Anthology

There's still plenty of bad weather yet to come, so grab the beverage of your choice, build a nest on the couch, and read on! It's way cheaper than most other hobbies.

Then you can read our other books:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: When it comes to books, there's very little bad that can be said about "free".

Book Sale Report, 2024, or: Don't Give Up My Day Job

Well, it's time for a look at how I did in publishing last year or, as I like to put it, it's Black February.

Back in 2023, in an attempt to prime the pump, so to speak, I invested some money in advertising. You have to spend money to make money, the experts say.

There's a British term for what the experts say: bollocks.

Okay, maybe not fair. In 2022, including the anthologies I have short stories in, we sold 539 copies. This is give or take: Sales numbers are guarded by the publishing industry the way I guard my hoard of chocolate.

In 2023, the year of the great advertising experiment, we racked up 624 sales, again including the anthologies. Great, right? Except I also racked up great expenditures, which Emily would have stopped if I hadn't been so obsessed with the numbers that I didn't think to talk it over with her. (She found out. Boy, did she find out, and by the way our couch is very comfortable.)

The chair's nice, too.

Ahem. Long story short, I spent $11 for every dollar the book sales earned.

This is not a sustainable business model, except in Washington, D.C., and they have 341 million investors.

So in 2024 I worked on reducing our advertising costs, while not reducing book sales. This didn't work. According to my calculations, I did indeed manage to reduce advertising costs by 2,180 percent, but ....

Wait a minute. That can't be right. Let me hit the calculator again.

Okay, for every five dollars I spent in 2023, I spent 3 dollars in 2024. I really need to apologize to my math teacher for telling him I'd never use this stuff. Once, around 1990, I even needed algebra. Of course, I'd forgotten it.

On the one hand, total sales from last year were 492, down from 539 copies in 2023. On the other hand, I no long have access to sales numbers for the two anthologies. (Long story.) If the same number of those were sold in both years, our total numbers for 2024 would be 651, a slight increase. Yay?

Except I still spent more than we took in last year.

Business takes a lot of the fun out of writing.

Our biggest seller for 2024 was Coming Attractions, including one copy that went to Australia, and one to the UK. This is partially due to a really weird spike in sales through Amazon, which reported it was from searches using the keyword "ebooks". That makes as much sense as my math skills.

The second biggest seller was Hoosier Hysterical, including one copy that went to Germany, followed by Storm Chaser and The No-Campfire Girls. That pretty much matches the year before.

Still following the numbers? Me, neither. Here's the upshot: For every book sold, I still spent four and a half dollars. That doesn't include internet costs, or the fact that we had to buy a new laptop.

But now I've cut way down on my advertising, which so far this year led to a corresponding decrease in sales. We'll see if the release of The Notorious Ian Grant makes a difference, since we didn't put out any new product in 2024 or, as I like to call it, Year 4: Decade Of Hell.

My original plan for 2025 was to sell at least 1,000 copies. I've changed that: now the plan is to make more money then I spend. Otherwise, I might as well just be a Congressman.

You can help pad my numbers by buying our books here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Sometimes the term “starving artist” is a little too close to literal.

Colon Check Brought Blood Pressure Surprise

I planned to work on a new blog during my colonoscopy prep day, but the day went, shall we say, badly. Okay, it went very badly, although the procedure the next day was a breeze (they tell me). One small polyp removed, and I only made one bad joke. ("If you find any change in there, it's mine--not a tip.")

Anyway, it seemed the most appropriate thing to do would be to reprint a blog from a little over five years ago--which was about my last colonoscopy. I'm adding one new photo, which I took this morning: The IV for the anesthetic left a mark.

I don't mind the bruise one bit, because that needle allowed me to sleep through the whole procedure.

Routine medical tests often bring nasty surprises ... not always related to the test being done.

I had a colonoscopy last week. You know what that means: No need to go into details. Honestly, I don't feel bad for people getting them as much as I do for people who do them.

Lots of twelve year olds probably say they want to be a doctor when they grow up. I can't imagine any of them adding, "And I want to spend all day sticking tubes up butts to check for polyps!"

For patients, the fun stuff comes a day or two before, when they first go on a clear diet, then on meds that, um, clear that diet. But there's more to it, and therein lies this tale. It's about the only thing that stayed therein.

A week before I had to stop taking supplements, including vitamin D (a lack of which contributed to my wintertime depression). Also aspirin, or any kind of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug, which I never knew is what NSAID is short for.

Soon after that I developed a sinus headache, which I didn't worry about because if I have a sinus headache, it must be Tuesday. By the end of the next day someone was driving a railroad spike through the top of my skull, from the inside. It was every bit as bad as a migraine.

But what caused it? Sinuses? Stress? Lack of vitamin D? Withdrawal from caffeine? The thought of highly trained specialists bringing in the same machine used to open up my sewer?

Then, just before the procedure, a strange thing happened.

One of the techs took my blood pressure, paused, then took it again. Then she called the doctor in. He took it, then he put the BP cuff on my other arm and took it again. Then they all looked at each other.

There's no typical blood pressure for everyone, but it's generally acknowledged that the bottom number--the diastolic--should be in the double digits, like around 70. My diastolic was in the triple digits. And not just barely, either. The first number, systolic, was also reaching for the stars.

There's your headache.

This is what the inside of my head felt like.

My blood pressure was so high, in fact, that they almost canceled the procedure. And I did not want to go through the prep again.

When I woke, the new problem hadn't changed. The next day Doctor Donna sat in the waiting room, waiting for me. "We were wondering how soon this would happen," she said (I'd been her patient for many years). She refused to tell me who won the betting pool, but she did confirm the diagnosis. She also gave me a good once over, and found it hurt whenever she tapped on the areas near my nose.

I had high blood pressure and another massive sinus infection.

Doctor Donna told me to reduce my stress levels. A lot. I thought about my job and laughed. Then I laughed again. Then I cried. It seems my idea to retire, and support myself by writing full time, had become a matter of life and death. But what the heck--I'm always looking for ways to guilt readers into buying books. Meanwhile I'm on two new meds, one of which makes me pee almost as much as I was doing the other thing, the day before the colonoscopy.

Oh, and the results of the actual procedure? Clean as a whistle (figuratively), with nary a polyp in sight. But if they hadn't done it, my head may have exploded a week later. It seems I'm entering a new phase of my mid-life.

I'll call it ... the Ailment Years.