SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
This is a good time to make serious inquires
and observations relating to American politics, with this very important
election coming up. But I don’t work that way. So instead, I decided to
interview Vice-President Joe Biden. But he doesn’t work that way, so I put together an interview using
his own words.
There were so many words. As I researched, I saw the difference
between Biden and the much-maligned Clint Eastwood speech from the Republican
convention. Eastwood’s unscripted talk was rambling and a bit free-associative,
and many people didn’t get his old actor’s technique of speaking to an empty
chair. (Although how many of the rest of us could have done better without a
teleprompter, including most politicians?) But if you parse out his words, you
could make sense of it and it was pretty straightforward. (Whether you agree or
not.)
Biden, on the other hand, often
comes out sounding all smooth and politician-like, right up until the instant
he verbally steps into a big, stinking load of wet caca. All in all, I’d take
Eastwood.
Hello, Mr.
Vice-President. I hope you don’t mind that I originally wanted to get the
President for an interview …
“He’s busy
getting ready for Easter. He thinks it’s about him.”
But do you
and President Obama get along? You don’t sit around hoping he catches cold, or
something? How do you feel about him?
“You got
the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean
and a nice-looking guy.”
The first?
Mr. Vice-President, some people think you’re a little insensitive on the issue
of race …
“You don’t
know my state. My state was a slave state … my state is the eighth largest
black population in the country.”
But – aren’t
you from Delaware? That wasn’t a slave state …
“Folks, let me be straight with
you…I have a bad habit of doing that.”
I
appreciate your candor. Okay, I get that you’re a little uncomfortable with the
subject, but how are race relations in Delaware now?
“The
largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot
go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.”
What?
That’s not very funny.
“I’m not
joking.”
Well, how
do you feel a Republican administration would deal with racial issues?
“They’re
going to put y’all back in chains.”
So you
still support –
“Barack
America!”
Okay, how
does he rank compared to other Presidents?
“I can tell
you I’ve known eight Presidents, three of them intimately.”
And he – ah
– compares favorably?
"I
promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you."
Well, I won’t
ask for more details. Still, it seems like during the last election it was
difficult to get to know Obama to the extent that we knew his main competitor, Hillary
Clinton.
“The more people learn about them
and how they handle the pressure, the more their support will evaporate.”
Could anyone on the Republican side
have done a good job?
“The only guy on the other side
who’s qualified is John McCain.”
So what do you think Obama’s
biggest challenge has been?
“A three-letter word: jobs.
J-O-B-S, jobs."
Did you two discuss the economy
much during the campaign?
“I don’t recall hearing a word from
Barack about a plan or a tactic.”
Do you think the government should encourage
private enterprise, or take more of a hands-on approach?
"When the stock market
crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about
the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened’."
But – FDR wasn’t President in 1929,
when the stock market crashed … and the only TV sets in existence at the time
were expensive experimental units.
“You need to work on your pecs.”
I beg your
–
“You all
look dull as hell, I might add.”
Well, I
don’t think –
“Just
sitting there, staring at me. Pretend you like me!”
I’d love
to, but don’t you think the administration is going just a little overboard
with spending right now? Do you really think that will help the economy in the
long run?
“People
when I say that look at me and say, 'What are you talking about, Joe? You're
telling me we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt?' The answer
is yes, that's what I'm telling you.”
But what if
you’re wrong?
"If we do everything right, if
we do it with absolute certainty, there's still a 30% chance we're going to get
it wrong."
I see.
Well, what about foreign policy? Did the President do the right thing, leaving
Iraq so quickly?
“My
impression is he thinks that if we leave, somehow the Iraqis are going to have
an epiphany of peaceful coexistence among warring sects. I’ve seen zero
evidence of that.”
What
should we do, then?
“Seems to
me this would be a good time to send, no strings attached, a check for $200
million to Iran.”
What? You
think we should give money to countries that hate us?
“Oh
give me a f***ing break."
Well,
that – you seem almost threatening.
“I wouldn't
go anywhere in confined places now."
Oh, dear.
When you go home and look at yourself in the mirror after interviews like this,
what do you think?
“What am I talking about?”
