Four years ago I wrote my regular newspaper humor column about Independence Day history, which few people read because it was about history. Ironically, about two months later my regular newspaper column became history, but that's another story.
As I said in the opening to our book "Hoosier Hysterical", history would be a lot more fun if it was made ... well ... fun. So I had fun with this, which has been changed slightly because I'm four years older.
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
Ever since
Christopher Columbus first landed in the New World and hid all the Viking
artifacts, America has been a land of opportunity, independence, and smallpox.
Eventually
the British colonists decided to go off and form their own country. (Except for
Canadians, who were just too polite to leave.) Since our schools don’t teach enough
history these days (there’s so much more of it now), I thought I’d give you a
quick timeline of how we, the people, went from tea to coffee:
1756: The French and Indian War
This was
probably the first World War. No, seriously: Over here we just mention the
French and Indians, but the rest of the world called it the Seven Years War. It
spread all over the globe, like a viral YouTube video, but with more cannon
fire and disease. Nations involved included Austria, England, France, Great
Britain, Prussia, and Sweden. Oh, and the Indians.
(Later on
Prussia, not wanting to be confused with Russia, changed their name to
Germany.)
Why does this
involve American Independence, which came decades later? Because it cost the
British government so much to defeat their enemies (and the Indians) that they
began taxing the colonists to help pay for it. And yet they didn’t allow the
colonies to raise their own armies, and there was that whole taxation without
representation thing.
Oh, and one
more thing: The whole world war began (well, mostly) because a young Virginia
militia leader ambushed a French scouting party in the far west wilderness … near Pittsburgh. In
later years, George Washington would be more careful to start battles after war was declared.
1770: The Boston Massacre:
No, it
wasn’t a sporting event. It started when a group of colonists began
throwing snowballs at a squad of British soldiers (In Boston. Sheesh.). That’s
not so bad, is it? Then the colonists starting tossing sticks and stones,
which, contrary to popular belief, can indeed break bones.
This is a
perfect example of why you shouldn’t throw stuff at people with guns. Five
colonists died and the soldiers were arrested, but they were mostly acquitted
thanks to the crafty defense by a young lawyer names John Adams.
1773: The Boston Tea Party
Tired of
high taxes, an unresponsive government, and Earl Gray, colonists (In Boston—sheesh)
dressed up as Indians, sneaked aboard ships (In the harbor—sheesh), and tossed 342 chests of tea into the water. In today’s
dollars, they turned Boston harbor into the world’s biggest cup, with $750,000
worth of tea. They were led, of course, by the famous Boston patriot Folger
“Starbuck” Maxwell.
But why
blame the Indians? They didn’t even drink tea.
1774: The First Continental Congress
They didn’t
get much done. But in their defense, they were a Congress.
1775: Patrick Henry stirs the pot
With the
grievances of the colonists ignored by a remote government—sort of like today,
only without Facebook—a radical named Patrick Henry, upset because he had two
first names and no last one, began making fiery speeches and resolutions.
The truth
is, Henry was kind of a deadbeat. Worse, a lawyer. But man, he sure could talk
good, and his actions helped ignite the American Revolution. You’ve probably
heard the last line of his big speech, which was “Give me liberty or give me
death!” Luckily, he got liberty.
1775: The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.
He rode
through the countryside yelling, “The British are coming!”
Sleepy
residents yelled back, “Shut up, you fool! We are the British!”
Then he got
arrested, probably for violating the noise ordinance, and the ride was
completed by William Dawes. Unfortunately for Dawes, the name “Paul Revere”
sounded better in poetry.
Also 1775
(busy year, there): The Battle of
Lexington and Concord
Revere had
discovered the British were marching by sea, which slowed them down
considerably because the horses didn’t swim well. That gave the Minutemen
almost a full two minutes. It was plenty of time to gather in Lexington, to
protect stores of arms and gunpowder, and Concord, to protect the grapes.
1775 (saw
that coming, didn’t you?): The Second
Continental Congress
Didn’t get
much done. They made up for it in 1776, though.
1775 or so:
The Battle of Bunker Hill
It was
actually fought on Breeds Hill.
177—wait
for it—5: Patriots occupy Montreal, Canada
Things were
looking up, up there. And that’s the last time things looked up for the
Revolutionaries in the north, who discovered Canadian hospitality didn’t extend
to invasion.
1776
(finally!) Egged on by the British,
Cherokee Indians attack along the entire southern frontier
They were still upset about the
whole Tea Party fraud. Also, they were mad about getting named for a country on the other side of the world.
June 7,
1776: Richard Henry Lee points out to the Continental Congress that they’ve
been rebelling against the British for more than a year, and wouldn’t it be a
good idea to actually declare themselves to be rebelling?
June 11:
Five Congressmen are appointed to draft a Declaration of Independence. The
other four talk Thomas Jefferson into doing the writing, pointing out that he’s
the only one who’s invented a portable desk to use.
June 12-27:
Jefferson writes a rough draft, only to receive a rejection letter from the
committee.
July 1-4: The entire Congress rips
apart the Declaration. (Not literally. Sheesh.) Jefferson quits writing and
goes into politics.
July 2: Congress declares
independence, just as the British fleet and army arrive to invade New York. Talk
about timing. John Adams declares that July 2 will forever be celebrated as
Independence Day.
July 4: Having already declared
independence, Congress now adopts the Declaration of Independence, declaring
something they’ve already declared. John Adams’ head explodes.
July 9: George Washington has the
Declaration read before the American army. The soldiers nod politely and ask
when they’re going to get paid.
There was much more to it, of
course. In fact, you could say the American Revolution went on until the US
Constitution was adopted in 1788, or even until we fought the second Revolutionary war in 1812, which
might also be related to the real second
World War.
Now, that’s a funny story.
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