50 Authors From 50 States goes to Delaware:
50 Authors from 50 States: JoAnn Balingit of Delaware, Poet and Writer: I am a poet, teacher and arts-in-education advocate, and have taught creative writing classes at the University of Delaware, Delaware Publ...
Don't Sneeze So Close to Me
The coronavirus outbreak is a serious, deadly thing, and it should be taken seriously. All the more reason to have fun with it ... because if you can't laugh, the virus has already won.
So this is sung to the tune, naturally, of Don't Stand So Close to Me, by the Police. Fire up your karaoke machine:
They're sneezing, in public
People stay clear of me
They're coughing so badly
Know where I want to be
Inside there's no virus
Feels like I'm in a cage
Book reading, show watching
My kids here make me age
Don't stand so, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
That virus ain't stopping
I'm social distancing
Get calls from the fellas
They haven't got it yet
They think it won't get them
I wouldn't make that bet
Outside is, temptation
But it could make us die
I'm out of crap paper
Newsprint won't get me dry
Don't stand so, don't stand so
Don't cough so close to me
Don't sneeze so, don't breath so
Don't be so close to me
Washing for so long now
Perfecting elbow bumps
Don't blow your crap on me
Stay home and take your lumps
It's no use, this virus
Will make me sweat and cough
You might be infected
I'm begging you, back off
Don't sweat so close to me
Please ... don't spread so close to me ...
So this is sung to the tune, naturally, of Don't Stand So Close to Me, by the Police. Fire up your karaoke machine:
They're sneezing, in public
People stay clear of me
They're coughing so badly
Know where I want to be
Inside there's no virus
Feels like I'm in a cage
Book reading, show watching
My kids here make me age
Don't stand so, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
That virus ain't stopping
I'm social distancing
Get calls from the fellas
They haven't got it yet
They think it won't get them
I wouldn't make that bet
Outside is, temptation
But it could make us die
I'm out of crap paper
Newsprint won't get me dry
Don't stand so, don't stand so
Don't cough so close to me
Don't sneeze so, don't breath so
Don't be so close to me
Washing for so long now
Perfecting elbow bumps
Don't blow your crap on me
Stay home and take your lumps
It's no use, this virus
Will make me sweat and cough
You might be infected
I'm begging you, back off
Don't sweat so close to me
Please ... don't spread so close to me ...
 |
| "Don't pet me! You never know for sure." |
 |
| "I told you not to go to Wal-Mart!" |
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
Giveaway sample of More Slightly Off the Mark, certified virus free
A free sample of More Slightly Off the Mark: Why I Hate
Cats, and Other Lies:
The latest newsletter is out, in
which I talk only a little about the coronavirus, and you still get your image of
the faithful Beowulf, who’s very photogenic.
And—a free sample of our newest
book, which you may have already guessed is titled More Slightly Off
the Mark: Why I Hate Cats, and Other Lies. NOT the same sample you can
already get on Amazon!
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
Book Review: The Last Good Man, by Linda Nagata
Military pilot True Brighton was forced out of her job when robotic flying machines made human pilots obsolete. Now she's a member of Requisite Operations, a private military company; as The Last Good man opens, her team is plotting an operation to rescue hostages in the lawless Mideast.
But during the operation, True learns one of the terrorists may have a connection to her son--who was tortured and murdered for all the world to see, after a failed military operation several years before.
Linda Nagata is one of the masters of near-future science fiction, and in The Last Good Man she shows us a world so close to ours that in a few more years it might not be fiction at all. Dominated by robotics, paranoia becomes real when flying machines or spies the size of bugs can be watching your every move. It's the future of war, and the warriors are beginning to wonder if their future is to be overwhelmed by mechanized weapons.
The Last Good Man starts slowly, as the characters meticulously plan out their opening operation. In that way it's much like a John Grisham or Michael Crichton novel, rich in details that set your firmly into the story's universe. Some readers might not like that, and the first few chapters did drag a little, a few times. But no detail is unimportant, and once the mission starts the book barrels forward like a runaway train.
True Brighton makes discoveries that bring the horror of her son's death back to her, and soon she finds herself at odds with her own team and family, as she investigates a crime that might be much more than anyone thought. All the time she navigates through a paranoid world of constant surveillance, from machines that were once in the roll of spies, but are being weaponized--sometimes without human supervision.
In the end it's a complex and powerful tale. Why Linda Nagata (who was my instructor in a science fiction writing course, back when that stuff was done by U.S. Mail) isn't a bigger name in the writing world is beyond me.
But during the operation, True learns one of the terrorists may have a connection to her son--who was tortured and murdered for all the world to see, after a failed military operation several years before.
The Last Good Man starts slowly, as the characters meticulously plan out their opening operation. In that way it's much like a John Grisham or Michael Crichton novel, rich in details that set your firmly into the story's universe. Some readers might not like that, and the first few chapters did drag a little, a few times. But no detail is unimportant, and once the mission starts the book barrels forward like a runaway train.
True Brighton makes discoveries that bring the horror of her son's death back to her, and soon she finds herself at odds with her own team and family, as she investigates a crime that might be much more than anyone thought. All the time she navigates through a paranoid world of constant surveillance, from machines that were once in the roll of spies, but are being weaponized--sometimes without human supervision.
In the end it's a complex and powerful tale. Why Linda Nagata (who was my instructor in a science fiction writing course, back when that stuff was done by U.S. Mail) isn't a bigger name in the writing world is beyond me.
50 Authors from 50 States: Colorado Living with J.v.L Bell and Dori McCraw
Colorado yarns on 50 Authors From 50 States:
50 Authors from 50 States: Colorado Living with J.v.L Bell and Dori McCraw: J.v.L. Bell Enjoys this Colorado: Today, when folks visit Colorado, they enjoy skiing in deep powder, climbing up a 14,000-foot peak, ra...
50 Authors from 50 States: Colorado Living with J.v.L Bell and Dori McCraw: J.v.L. Bell Enjoys this Colorado: Today, when folks visit Colorado, they enjoy skiing in deep powder, climbing up a 14,000-foot peak, ra...
No, Wiping Doesn't Stop a Virus
Let's get to what seems to be the important question, first:
No, I don't know why people are hoarding toilet paper. It's not that kind of virus.
There's so much misinformation about the coronavirus, and it's such an actual threat, that's it's hard to write humor about it. The good news is that a large number of people think it's not as much of a danger as it is, so it's not hard for them at all.
There certainly are surreal details surrounding the pandemic. For instance, the number of people who think that, because fewer people have been tested for the virus in America, it must not be as widespread here. Connected: the number of people who think the reported number of cases is the total number of people actually exposed. Also, the number of people who think the medical system can handle anything that gets thrown at it.
And the toilet paper thing.
We got lucky, making our routine shopping trip just as the usual suspects started to panic. We actually picked up TP, along with important stuff like books, dog food, the stuff Emily makes me eat because of my cholesterol (which took up most of the cart, darn it), and chocolate.
It was only a few days later when I stopped at the store for some perishable stuff, and saw the empty TP aisle. Why? Enough for a couple of weeks, that I get, but enough to line every room in the house seems a bit much ... although granted, it also works as insulation.
It appears people have been hording stuff like hand sanitizer, soap, and TP not to have enough for themselves, but to resell it and gouge everyone. That's a tar and feather offense, assuming any tar and feathers are available..
I hope there's been a run on condoms, though. Many people who don't have much imagination are going to be looking for things, or people, to do in the immediate future.
Ironically, I didn't have much trouble finding my usual staples at the local store: eggs, milk, bread, all plentiful. What was short? Chicken.
No, I don't get it. We eat a lot of chicken, mostly because it's better for you than donuts, not to mention donuts don't work well in a stew. In addition, baked chocolate doesn't work nearly as well as you'd think, except in Alaska. So, oddly, the first coronavirus problem to hit my home was a chicken shortage.
As for TP, we have it locked up and guarded by the dog. We trust him not to steal it.
Look, it's really not difficult to, um, stretch your TP. Don't replace it with Kleenex--you might need that--but there are always paper towels and napkins. But, as a friend pointed out to me, you shouldn't flush material that thick, so you'll have to bag it up like the astronauts did.
Barring that, if you're anything like me you have a whole basket full of mismatched socks. Why did you keep them? Well, now you know.
The only other choice is to have the National Guard break into homes and arrest hoarders. Do we have enough National Guard troops for that? I don't think so.
But I've given you some options, and it's almost spring, which means there'll be plenty of leaves and plants to go around. Stay away from anything that has the word "Poison" in its name. The hospital might not have time to deal with you.
And, of course, wash your hands, early and often, whether they need it or not. They say you should wash for the length of time it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.
The other day I got that song mixed up with "Staying Alive", which is used to time CPR, and accidentally brought a sink to life. The heart attack victim was still dead, but at least he was clean.
No, I don't know why people are hoarding toilet paper. It's not that kind of virus.
There's so much misinformation about the coronavirus, and it's such an actual threat, that's it's hard to write humor about it. The good news is that a large number of people think it's not as much of a danger as it is, so it's not hard for them at all.
There certainly are surreal details surrounding the pandemic. For instance, the number of people who think that, because fewer people have been tested for the virus in America, it must not be as widespread here. Connected: the number of people who think the reported number of cases is the total number of people actually exposed. Also, the number of people who think the medical system can handle anything that gets thrown at it.
And the toilet paper thing.
We got lucky, making our routine shopping trip just as the usual suspects started to panic. We actually picked up TP, along with important stuff like books, dog food, the stuff Emily makes me eat because of my cholesterol (which took up most of the cart, darn it), and chocolate.
It was only a few days later when I stopped at the store for some perishable stuff, and saw the empty TP aisle. Why? Enough for a couple of weeks, that I get, but enough to line every room in the house seems a bit much ... although granted, it also works as insulation.
It appears people have been hording stuff like hand sanitizer, soap, and TP not to have enough for themselves, but to resell it and gouge everyone. That's a tar and feather offense, assuming any tar and feathers are available..
I hope there's been a run on condoms, though. Many people who don't have much imagination are going to be looking for things, or people, to do in the immediate future.
Ironically, I didn't have much trouble finding my usual staples at the local store: eggs, milk, bread, all plentiful. What was short? Chicken.
No, I don't get it. We eat a lot of chicken, mostly because it's better for you than donuts, not to mention donuts don't work well in a stew. In addition, baked chocolate doesn't work nearly as well as you'd think, except in Alaska. So, oddly, the first coronavirus problem to hit my home was a chicken shortage.
As for TP, we have it locked up and guarded by the dog. We trust him not to steal it.
 |
| "Anyone who doesn't know I'm behind this door is going to NEED toilet paper." |
Barring that, if you're anything like me you have a whole basket full of mismatched socks. Why did you keep them? Well, now you know.
The only other choice is to have the National Guard break into homes and arrest hoarders. Do we have enough National Guard troops for that? I don't think so.
But I've given you some options, and it's almost spring, which means there'll be plenty of leaves and plants to go around. Stay away from anything that has the word "Poison" in its name. The hospital might not have time to deal with you.
And, of course, wash your hands, early and often, whether they need it or not. They say you should wash for the length of time it takes to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.
The other day I got that song mixed up with "Staying Alive", which is used to time CPR, and accidentally brought a sink to life. The heart attack victim was still dead, but at least he was clean.
Emily's magic: New Book Cover!
Okay, so I already revealed the cover to More Slightly Off the Mark once, but this time we really, really mean it. We thought the original was a little imbalanced, so Emily added a newspaper nameplate, or banner, or ... whatever it's called. That brought us to this:
(Do I yell "ta da!" now?)
Which, yes, is similar to the original Slightly Off the Mark, but it is a sequel, after all. Hopefully it's not too similar. Let's compare:
Yeah, it's different enough. And here's the new book's back cover:
So, there you go. I've shown you my front side, and I've shown you my backside. Judge me as you will, or get a closer look here:
https://www.amazon.com/More-Slightly-off-Mark-Other/dp/1709741287
Just between us (until the next post), it's up for sale on Amazon, and we'll have it on the website to order soon. If you just can't wait and/or want a signed copy, contact Emily or me and we'll get you taken care of. Come to think of it--how many copies should we order?
(Do I yell "ta da!" now?)
https://www.amazon.com/More-Slightly-off-Mark-Other/dp/1709741287
Just between us (until the next post), it's up for sale on Amazon, and we'll have it on the website to order soon. If you just can't wait and/or want a signed copy, contact Emily or me and we'll get you taken care of. Come to think of it--how many copies should we order?
50 Authors from 50 States: Arizona Desert is Dessert for Some with This Aweso...
I'm getting behind in posting these, so here's Arizona on 50 Authors From 50 States. Indiana's coming up in April!
50 Authors from 50 States: Arizona Desert is Dessert for Some with This Aweso...: Mary Deal: Life In The Desert: Phoenix and surrounding towns and suburbs grew up from desert sands and caliche clay. The gorgeous spring...
50 Authors from 50 States: Arizona Desert is Dessert for Some with This Aweso...: Mary Deal: Life In The Desert: Phoenix and surrounding towns and suburbs grew up from desert sands and caliche clay. The gorgeous spring...
That was a rough draft
It took almost exactly seven months to write the rough draft of We Love Trouble, which totals just over 80,000 words. That's writing part time, of course--plus I took a break to get More Slightly Off the Mark ready for publishing as an e-book. (The print version just came out--you'll be hearing about it.)
Not bad. It's about 15,000 words longer than any rough draft I've ever written, so I'm patting myself on the back ... especially considering how sick we've been this winter. And while there will be, of course, a second, third, fourth, and so on draft, overall I'm very happy with what I have.
In fact, I love the story so much--I'm worried other people won't.
This is the writer's life. I won't give it any more thought until the final draft is finished, and it's read by other people ... or at least, I'll try not to give it any more thought. Another good reason to keep busy.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
Not bad. It's about 15,000 words longer than any rough draft I've ever written, so I'm patting myself on the back ... especially considering how sick we've been this winter. And while there will be, of course, a second, third, fourth, and so on draft, overall I'm very happy with what I have.
In fact, I love the story so much--I'm worried other people won't.
This is the writer's life. I won't give it any more thought until the final draft is finished, and it's read by other people ... or at least, I'll try not to give it any more thought. Another good reason to keep busy.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
It's Our Sheets and Pottery Anniversary
I can't tell you what I got my wife for our eighth wedding anniversary, because it hasn't arrived yet, and she sometimes reads my blog.
And by "it hasn't arrived yet" I mean as I write this our anniversary's two days from now, and it hasn't frakking arrived yet!.
Luckily, my wife has low expectations of anything that happens during wintertime, including her birthday and Christmas. Here in Indiana, no matter how much The Weather Channel goes on about "meteorological winter", early March is still winter. And how.
Sometimes the best I can do during winter is make the bed, then get back in it again.
She knows I appreciate her, I think. I mean, I drove five hundred miles to propose. I gave in to the idea of getting a dog. I've slept in my car for her. (Long story.) Still, it never hurts to be sure, so Emily, if you're reading this: I appreciate you.
She might not have time to read this, because she's been busy editing one of my novel manuscripts, and in a few weeks I'll be throwing pictures at her. Not literally. (Another long story.)
I should have checked ahead on traditional wedding gifts, because I discovered bronze and pottery are traditional for an eighth anniversary, which I think this is, and I might even be right. Guys, if you want advice, pottery is a no-go. It seems too much like ... dishes. You don't want to go that way.
Bronze isn't easy either--I think she'd have liked bookends, since we have lots of books and it could be a way to say we go together, or at least that we go together with books between us. But what if I somehow get her angry? Have you ever been hit by a bronze bookend? Me neither, but it would probably hurt.
What I'd really have liked to get her, if I'd gotten off my butt and researched in time, is a Bronze Age sword. Yeah. She likes swords, and it would have been really cool, although it does bring back the question of her getting mad at me.
The more modern eighth anniversary gift is linen and lace. So ... lace lingerie? That's really more a gift for the guys, guys ... think carefully. As for linen, there's clothing, sheets, and paper. Linen shirts. Linen sheets. No.
Well, if she doesn't like what I did get her, I could always have myself bronzed, then have the statue draped with lace. I'll let you know.
And by "it hasn't arrived yet" I mean as I write this our anniversary's two days from now, and it hasn't frakking arrived yet!.
Luckily, my wife has low expectations of anything that happens during wintertime, including her birthday and Christmas. Here in Indiana, no matter how much The Weather Channel goes on about "meteorological winter", early March is still winter. And how.
Sometimes the best I can do during winter is make the bed, then get back in it again.
She knows I appreciate her, I think. I mean, I drove five hundred miles to propose. I gave in to the idea of getting a dog. I've slept in my car for her. (Long story.) Still, it never hurts to be sure, so Emily, if you're reading this: I appreciate you.
 |
| "I love my Emily." |
She might not have time to read this, because she's been busy editing one of my novel manuscripts, and in a few weeks I'll be throwing pictures at her. Not literally. (Another long story.)
I should have checked ahead on traditional wedding gifts, because I discovered bronze and pottery are traditional for an eighth anniversary, which I think this is, and I might even be right. Guys, if you want advice, pottery is a no-go. It seems too much like ... dishes. You don't want to go that way.
Bronze isn't easy either--I think she'd have liked bookends, since we have lots of books and it could be a way to say we go together, or at least that we go together with books between us. But what if I somehow get her angry? Have you ever been hit by a bronze bookend? Me neither, but it would probably hurt.
 |
| Sure, she'd like a horse ... but you'd be surprised how expensive it is to bronze a horse. |
What I'd really have liked to get her, if I'd gotten off my butt and researched in time, is a Bronze Age sword. Yeah. She likes swords, and it would have been really cool, although it does bring back the question of her getting mad at me.
The more modern eighth anniversary gift is linen and lace. So ... lace lingerie? That's really more a gift for the guys, guys ... think carefully. As for linen, there's clothing, sheets, and paper. Linen shirts. Linen sheets. No.
Well, if she doesn't like what I did get her, I could always have myself bronzed, then have the statue draped with lace. I'll let you know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)