This will come as no shock to anyone who knows me, but I
love spring. To paraphrase some action movie or other: Winter is the disease,
and spring is the cure. Summer is that wild celebration you throw when you
realize the disease is going to strike again, so you might as well party.
This being Indiana,
there could be a foot of snow on the ground by the time you read this, but at
the moment it’s been pretty nice in between the thunderstorms. Wait, let me
check …
Huh. Heat wave. Better than winter, when snow is some
kind of permanent nightmarish superglue. Nobody ever froze to death in a
thunderstorm, unless they hid in a chest freezer. That would
freeze your chest.
The only bad things about warm weather are pollen and
bugs, and pollen can be medicated. I like to think of allergies as a luxury tax
for being able to walk outside wearing less than eight layers of clothing.
One of the first signs of spring – other than any part of
my skin being seen outdoors – is the appearance of budding plants and flowers. That
burst of color, a visual shock after months of white and various shades of
dirty gray, does more to cheer me than all the chocolate in Hershey.
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This is nothing to sneeze at. Actually, it is.
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Maybe you could say my love of spring is like a red, red
rose. I came up with that all by myself, honest. Well, I stole it all by
myself.
I need to see that color outside, because inside I’m the
kiss of death for a plant. There’s a graveyard of flower pots in my garage, sad
rows full of bare earth and dead, dry stalks. In the plant community I’m known
as the Mark Horseman of the Apocalypse. The last time I walked through a
botanical garden, twelve species went extinct.
I’m the Darth Vader of plants; I just choke them out.
And yet, just outside the house, plants thrive. Like the
spiders who invade my home every year, they live for the thrill of being near
danger. Mind you, I had no idea what those plants were, until I found a phone
app to identify them.
According to the internet, the various plants around my
house include:
Lilacs, which produce one of the most wonderful scents
since fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. I bought lilac scented laundry
detergent over winter, but it just wasn’t the same.
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"I wish Mark would get out of the way so I get a picture of the lilacs."
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Narcissus, a variety of daffodil. Narcissus sounds so
much more exotic and interesting, though. Narcissus is also a character from
Greek myth who fell in love with his own reflection, and thus is a hero to many
in Hollywood. Things ended badly for Narcissus; but then, the Greeks wrote
tragedies, not comedies.
Tulips, a flower that first came from Holland, Michigan.
Some people from the Netherlands
visited Michigan, and so fell in love with the
flower that they made it their own and also nicknamed their country Holland, which seems like
some kind of intellectual theft, to me. But revenge is sweet: For a time tulips
became so valuable in the Netherlands
that they replaced the national currency. Their entire economy crashed
when some kid took his thumb out of the dike, looked around, and said:
“Dude. They’re flowers.”
At the moment my tulips are in hiding, waiting to see if
I go crazy with the lawn mower or weed spray. However, a line of eye-poppingly
colorful flowers eye-popped up against the neighbor’s house, where presumably
they’re safe from me. Silly flowers.
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"Just stay closed until he goes away."
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Then there’s forsythia, a bush that sprouted some bright
yellow blossoms. Someone told me I shouldn’t trim the forsythia, but it grows
so fast that one of its branches once stabbed me in the leg as I innocently
walked by with the garden sheers. One year I didn’t trim it at all, and a film
crew came by and paid me a hundred bucks to use it in their low-budget monster
movie, “Attack of the Sixty Foot Sythia”. I don’t know what they left out the
“for” for, except maybe that “S” sound is scarier: Stormtrooper; Scythe;
Senator …
I also have some
roses, but as of this writing they haven’t bloomed. Maybe they’re standing by
with the tulips. Waiting. Plotting.
Oh, and dandelions – how could I forget dandelions?
Weeds, you say? Nonsense! They’re harmless and colorful, they make necklaces
and wine, and what the heck is wrong with that? Those are flowers, believe it;
the narcissus lovers are just jealous.
In any case, any bloom that doesn’t immediately kill you
is better than a snowdrift.