Disaster Preparedness: Turtles, Fizz Floods, and SnowFire Tornadoes‏

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

            I recently received an e-mail from a local utility company informing me that September is Emergency Preparedness Month.

            I got it on October 1^st. I guess they just weren’t prepared.

            Still, it’s an appropriate follow up to Fire Prevention Week, and a reminder would be good for us any time of the year, not just when I’m working on deadline. I mean, the Feds shut down, so it’s not like they’re going to show up if somebody drops Mentos into the local Coke bottling plant and your town is overwhelmed by a fizz flood.

            Which I believe is an upcoming SyFy Channel original movie.

            The thing is, most of the things you should do to prepare for a disaster are good for any disaster, so it’s not like you have to specialize. Your emergency kit is going to have much of the same stuff whether you’re cut off by a blizzard, flood, tornado, or all at the same time, which in Indiana isn’t impossible. The other day vacuum cleaner salesmen rampaged through Albion, but I was prepared to hide out for days in my basement. If Churubusco was attacked by a herd of angry turtles …

            Wait, let me check something ....

            Huh. If Churubusco was attacked by a turn of angry turtles (who knew?), or if Huntertown was attacked by a mob of …um … hunters, you’re still going to need to eat, drink, stay warm, and listen for alerts from the Emergency Broadcast system:

            “The Center for Disease Control reminds you to keep fingers and toes away from angry reptiles … and wear orange.”

            So create a disaster plan, build an emergency kit, learn first aid and CPR, and for crying out loud, tell no one that you stockpiled a year’s supply of chocolate. People have killed for less.

            Here are some of the things you should have in your emergency kit:

            One gallon of water for every person, per day. Remember, if the power goes out for an extended period of time, the water supply could be affected. Or the water supply could be contaminated by zombies, or angry turtles, or angry turtle zombies. You should keep a two week supply, which in my house would mean 28 gallons if you include the dog. I have my water in jugs labeled “fuel”, and fuel in jugs labeled “water”. Somebody steals from me, they’ll get a nasty surprise.

            A two week supply of non-perishable, easy to prepare food—you might not have gas or electricity. Got cans? Great. Got an electric can opener?

            I have two fifty pound bags of dog food. Hey, it’s good stuff, very nutritious. Makes gravy with water.

            A flashlight and battery powered radio. And here’s a crazy idea—batteries. They make hand cranked versions of both, but I figure I’ll be cranky enough after two weeks without The Big Bang Theory.

            Yeah, no TV. Panicked, yet? Get some books.

            A first aid kit. It should contain stuff for first aid.

            A week’s worth of your favorite medications. If you get stuck with kids in a home without TV, internet, or video games, you’ll need to be medicated.

            Personal hygiene items. Let your imagination do the walking.

            Cell phones and chargers, and since we covered the electricity thing, keep those cell phones charged. They usually work even when the electricity goes out, so at least you’ll have Candy Crush.

            Emergency contact information and personal documents. That way you can call people with those cell phones to let them know you hit level 80.

            Extra cash. I don’t know, find some. I usually keep at least two dollars in my couch cushions.

            An emergency blanket. Yes, you should have blankets around the house, but have one packed in your kit in case you have to run for it. On a related note, you might want to keep maps of the area in case you’re one of those people who gets into a rut, only takes one way out of town, and finds that one way blocked by something truly terrifying, like road construction or mimes.

            A multi-purpose tool. You’d be surprised how handy those can be. I’d throw in a roll of duct tape, too, since that stuff is handy for almost everything and can also be used to quiet down the kids after the fifth or sixth day.

            Personally, I’ve also got a huge supply of candles and—on a not unrelated note—a fire extinguisher. Candles have some advantages, but rarely do homes get set on fire by flashlights.

            While you may need a few more items to drive off zombies, vampires, and politicians (but I repeat myself), the basic stuff really is good for just about any disaster or emergency. Here in Indiana it’s not unheard of to have blizzard and tornado warnings in the same month, and don’t get me started on the Great SnowFire Tornado during the Drought of ’88. If you want to get serious about it (and you should) try going to a website with fewer jokes, but a lot more information:

            http://www.redcross.org/prepare

            And be prepared. ‘Cause I’m not letting anybody near my stockpile of chocolate.

Storm Chaser sequel coming in 2014

Whiskey Creek Press will be publishing the sequel to Storm Chaser!

The Notorious Ian Grant, which should come out next fall, takes place just after the events of Storm Chaser. Although there are general spoilers referencing the end of the first book, I took care to write the second in such a way that you don’t really have to read Storm Chaser in order to enjoy it – although I’d prefer you did.

While Storm Chaser is a romantic comedy, The Notorious Ian Grant is more of a humorous novel with a romance in it –more laugh out loud funny, I hope. The main characters are police detective Fran Vargas, who you’ve met before, and Ian Grant. (Most Storm Chaser characters put in an appearance, including a certain blonde teenager who proved a fan favorite in the first book.)  Ian is mentioned, very briefly and not by name, in Storm Chaser, and has a similarly brief appearance in one of the stories of Storm Chaser Shorts.

What’s it all about, you say?


            When infamous party boy and b-list celebrity Ian Grant learns his sister is marrying a cop, he abandons his Hollywood lifestyle and drives straight to Indiana. His plan: to make up for all those times he embarrassed and humiliated his family … by taking charge of the wedding planning. So, Ian’s never planned a wedding – how hard could it be?

            The little town of Hurricane, Indiana, is like another world—a world Ian wouldn’t mind being part of, if only people would stop judging him by his previous antics. He might even have a chance at romance with his future brother-in-law’s coworker, detective Fran Vargas. But for Fran everything’s gone wrong since Ian arrived, including the loss of her home, their confrontation with a bullying politician, and an influx of nosy reporters and angry ex-girlfriends.

There’s also the fact that Ian’s wedding planning keeps getting interrupted by someone trying to kill him.

No one ever said redemption is easy.

            If Ian seems familiar, you may have caught a short story I wrote that takes place just before The Notorious Ian Grant, at a low moment in his life:

http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2011/10/storm-damage-prequel-short-story-out-of.html

Coming to a Writer's Group Near You ... if you're in Columbia City

            Albion author Mark R Hunter, who has three published books and writes a humor column that appears in three local newspapers, will be on hand in Columbia City October 16th to talk about writing and humor, and sign copies of his books, and maybe actually be funny.

            Hunter will appear at the Peabody Library, at 1160 E Hwy 205 in Columbia City, from 6-8 p.m., in a gathering hosted by the unsuspecting Whitley County Writers' Group.

Anyone who hasn't bought his novel, Storm Chaser (or has, but wants another copy for the Pulitzer Committee) can get two books for a bargain: Readers can buy his local history book Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, or a humor compilation that includes a contribution by him, My Funny Valentine, for $9.95, and get Storm Chaser for two dollars off, at $12.95.

            Mark R Hunter’s first novel, the romantic comedy Storm Chaser, was published by Whiskey Creek Press in 2011, and in 2012 the same publisher released his related short story e-book collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. Also that year, a humor piece by Mark was included in the anthology My Funny Valentine. He’s currently working on a sequel to Storm Chaser, whether his publisher wants him to or not.

            In July, 2013, Hunter published a local history book, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With the Albion Fire Department. His humor column, Slightly Off the Mark, appears in the weekly newspapers Albion New Era, Churubusco News, and Huntertown News, and has widely been proclaimed to be somewhat funny.

As a way of getting ideas (and groceries), for two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically.

Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

More information about Mark R Hunter’s work can be found online at www.markrhunter.com.

Dad and Harlequin, in that order

     I've been avoiding Dad for a couple of weeks while suffering this sinus infection (and I’ve still got it! It’s hard to let go) but he's fighting an infection anyway, and has lost some weight. The good news is that the swelling in his lymph nodes has gone down ... we just need to get him through chemo.

     Meanwhile, and on a not entirely unrelated note, I started on the Harlequin edits for Coming Attractions on October 1st. I had to get some other work out of the way first, and I also took a little time to mull over the suggestions. But now I'm on it, and in addition to getting the work done it keeps me busy and fills my mind with things other than worrying about stuff I can't do anything about. Being productive is always better than pacing, although not as good exercise.

Don't Get Fired Up In The Kitchen

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

            It goes without saying that the best way to maintain safety in a kitchen is to keep me out of it.

            But I said it anyway, and as it happens, the theme of this year’s Fire Prevention Week is “Prevent kitchen fires”. Even a group of Congressmen couldn’t argue over whether that’s a good idea. Could they?

            “My esteemed colleague doesn’t seem to understand that if all fires were prevented, it would mean unemployment for untold numbers of construction crews and emergency room workers!”

            Yeah, I guess they could.

            The National Fire Protection Association decides on themes for this important week. Since cooking is the number one cause of home fires, I think they’ve chosen wisely. If only they chose wisely in naming their mascot, a huge and rather over caffeinated looking dog named Sparky.

            We don’t want sparks. Sparks are bad, except when lighting campfires, or igniting homemade cannons to flatten alien invaders. Shouldn’t the NFPA’s mascot be named Soggy? Or would that cause thoughts of nightmare scenarios involving puppy training?

            I once tried to train our dog to extinguish cooking fires, but he didn’t want to expose that particular part of himself to the flames. Smart dog.

            In our house the kitchen is fairly safe as long as I’m not allowed to cook; and when I am allowed to cook, food poisoning usually takes the number one danger spot. Instead, my wife cooks while I do the dishes, which seems pretty fair. No one has ever started a fire while doing dishes, although I did electrocute myself that way, once. Okay, twice.

            Long story.

            Emily’s a hands-on cook. She’s cutting stuff up, mixing things together, doing everything the 50’s sitcom wives did while wearing high heels and pearl necklaces. I don’t get it. Do we not have wonderful people in factories cooking this stuff for us, and throwing it into convenient boxes named Banquet, or Swanson? If I could get frozen boxes of freshly washed pots and pans, I’d throw that kitchen sink right out the window.

            But frozen dinners don’t protect you from kitchen fires, and her cooking is way better than the lines of little old ladies slapping stuff together in the Banquet family kitchen, so who am I to complain?

            Meanwhile, I can speak with some authority on kitchen fires, both because I’m a firefighter and, well … I used to cook a lot.

            Kitchen fires are common because that’s where the fire is. Whether you use electric or gas, stuff gets hot, and hot is dangerous. When stuff catches on fire people panic, doing such things as pouring water on the flames—because it’s the kitchen, and there’s water right there, after all.

            Here are a few other things people do wrong, when it comes to cooking:

            They leave.

            Leaving is bad. Almost all unattended fires don’t have anyone attending them. Most stove fires I’ve gone to as a firefighter were unattended, and even if the flames don’t spread beyond the pan, let me assure you: The smell is horrible.

            They fall asleep.

            Dude, if you’re that tired, sleep now—have breakfast later.

            They drink.

            Cooking sherry is for cooking. If you’re consuming alcoholic beverages, you should do pretty much nothing else, except maybe watch football or take a nap. Or take a nap while watching football—set an alarm for the halftime show.

            They put flammable stuff on the stove.

            I have a big plastic bowl with a very odd pattern on the bottom. Kind of dents, in a circular pattern. In fact, it’s the exact same pattern you’ll find on the top of my gas stove if, say, you turned off the flames but didn’t wait for the stove to cool down before you set a big plastic bowl on it.

            On any given day, somebody’s stove will have on it an oven mitt, wooden spoon, cardboard food box, or towel. Guaranteed. And every year, 156,000 structure fires are reported that start with cooking. That’s 420 deaths, 5,310 injuries, and almost a billion dollars in property damage. And you know what the worst part of a kitchen fire is? When it’s over …

            You’ll still be hungry.

            Two thirds of cooking fires start when food itself ignites, which kinda makes sense, and see above about how horrible it smells. Scorched beans and corn especially stink, for some reason. And even though a lot of fires start with unattended cooking, more than half of the injuries come when people try to fight the fires.

            Can you fight kitchen fires? Sure, after you call 911 (they’ll wisely tell you to leave), but you’re taking your chances. If you happen to be right there when something in a pan catches, just turn off the heat and drop a lid on it, suffocating the fire.

            But a lot of people won’t do that. In a panic, they’ll splash water on the fire, which will cause grease and oil to splatter and spread the fire further. Don’t do that.

            Better idea: Have a fire extinguisher and know how to use it. In one of my novels, a panicked character tries to read the directions on the extinguisher after a fire breaks out. That’s a poor time to take a class, people. (And why haven’t you read that book? I mean, other than that it’s not published yet?)

            Read the directions and take a class, so if the fire’s very small you can stand with your back to an exit, aim the extinguisher at the base of the fire, and get the heck outside, preferably after you dialed 911. Do I sound too cautious? Well, last year 2,520 civilians died in fires, and another 13,910 were injured. Do I still sound too cautious?

            That’s just a quick overview of the dangers, and what you can do about them. Oh, and one more thing: Thanksgiving is the number one day for home cooking fires, so order take-out.

            Then you can stay out of the kitchen, and enjoy your nap during the football game.