Stitching Together an Obama Opponent

Once again Indiana was left in the cold, as Republicans had their Presidential nomination process all but wrapped up before reaching the Hoosier state’s May primary. In 2008 the Democratic battle between Obama and Clinton was still going strong at that point, giving Indiana a rare opportunity to actually pick between a rock and a hard place.

Clinton narrowly won Indiana. As a result, when Obama ultimately won the Presidency, he kicked Hillary out of the country.

Well, you can call it Secretary of State.

Now Republicans are left with Mitt Romney, a guy whose first name makes everyone think of frostbitten fingers. That’s why I’ve got twenty bucks on Obama being a two term President.

But who could beat Obama? He’s handsome, slim, and a snappy dresser, at a time when all that matters to people. The media’s going out of its way to make him look cool. Many women love him almost to the point of frenzy. Many black voters will vote for him because he’s – let’s face it – black.

Justin Beiber couldn’t defeat Obama right now. Of course, pre-teens can’t vote.

Maybe the Republicans should play Frankenstein, cutting up this year’s second stringers and sewing their best parts together into some kind of super candidate, while dumping the worst parts into a toxic waste dump. Let’s take a look at some of the former wannabes, and see what we could extract from them:
Herman Cain is a veteran, and a successful businessman who understands private enterprise and leadership, and he really loves the ladies. If you could just chop off the part after that last comma, he’d have the nomination wrapped up all by himself.

Although some of his social stances are too right wing for me, I supported Cain early on. In addition to all the above he’s black, which I thought might finally remove all questions of racial bias and divisiveness from the campaign, and get people to focus on what really matters.

Imagine my surprise when I was told by a liberal that supporting Cain would make me a racist. D’uh? That’s like saying supporting the consumption of beef means I’m a vegetarian. I’ve yet to hear a convincing argument that didn’t translate to “I don’t want your black guy to run against my black guy!” Remember those things, what were they called – issues?

Still, he likes the ladies, although people didn’t seem to mind that with Clinton. From Cain we take his business and military experience.

Michele Bachmann? “She’s crazy! She’s crazy! Let’s put really unflattering pictures of her on magazine covers to show it!”

Bachman has five children; she and her husband have been foster parents for 23 other children, all teenage girls. So maybe she is crazy. She was once a Jimmy Carter supporter, so certainly she’s made bad decisions. Just the same, from her I pull the idea of family and service.

Rick Perry. Ehhhhh … I got nothin’. Let me do some checking and get back to you. Texas is nice, though; they’ve got Stetsons. Stetsons are cool.

Ron Paul is, I believe, a leprechaun. As such, he’d have been born in Ireland and not be Constitutionally permitted to run for President, but I like his libertarian attitude and take from him the belief in individual liberties, cutting government, and a pot of gold in every rainbow. His foreign policy ideas are too head-in-the-sand for my tastes, but with a mug like that you’d bury your head in the sand, too.

Newt Gingrich is named Newt but still had a successful political career, in a country where almost half our Presidents were named John, George, William, or James. Just think: Newt could be our next Ulysses Grant.
Some things about Gingrich could make him a strong candidate (which is not the same as being good for the country, mind you). He’s smart, well-read, and experienced with the ways of Washington, and I suspect he’d mop the floor with Obama in an open debate – if he kept his temper. On the minus side, he’s experienced with the ways of Washington.

He also sleeps around. Now, it seems okay to be uncovered as an adulterer once you get into the White House – in some famous cases, it’s even okay while in the White House. But Heaven forbid a candidate sleep around and get caught before being elected.

Still, I’d take from Gingrich his knowledge, and skills that helped lead, while he was House speaker, to the first balanced budget in thirty years. As far as I’m concerned, any President who can pull us off the Red Ink Express before we go over the broken bridge of insolvency can party with strippers every night. Maybe that’s not fair, since they don’t let the Secret Service do it anymore.

A couple of other candidates caught my eye, and one is Thad McCotter. Unfamiliar to you? The Michigan Representative’s run didn’t last long, but the man’s lead guitarist for a freaking rock band! I’ll take that coolness factor.

Just for fun, I’d like to throw in Fred S. Karger, the first openly gay presidential candidate from a major US political party. Yeah, he’s a Republican. I just like the idea of someone showing you can be a member of either party without slavishly following its entire platform; we could all learn from that.

Stitch all these together, and you come up with a candidate who has political expertise, yet holds leadership abilities and real life business experience, has served the country in the military, understands the challenges of family and career, is knowledgeable of history and well-read, can compromise when necessary but make a stand on issues that really matter.

Oh, and he’s also a gay black man who fronts a rock band … in a Stetson.

You find me that man, and I’ll beat Barrack Obama with him. But he’d probably be too smart to run.