An Ode to Odious Winter

As months go by and seasons change

We watch the outside rearrange

Nature knows a change is due,

And it’s not hard to see a clue

 

Like puppies frozen to a tree

While going out to take a pee;

Digging mammals, shivering bucks,

Will all soon know that winter sucks.

 

At first we think it’s not too bad.

We’ll tell ourselves we won’t be sad,

As plant life dies and smart birds flee

And utilities charge a higher fee.

 

So-called dumb beasts burrow down

To spent all winter in the ground

And never see the frigid season –

Who would want to? There’s no reason.

 

The deer that ran all summer, free

Look to the future, and when they see

The coming winter, run their hide

In front of cars: deer suicide.

 

"You just wait 'til November."

The people who have earned their pensions

Have long made known their full intentions

To head down south, and send postcards

From Florida, still in green yards.

 

They’re wearing sandals with white socks

Or maybe out-there Birkenstocks

While pink flamingos’ flag their grass

They tell the winter, “Kiss my butt!”

 

But we the workers must stay there

Where all is froze, from toes to hair

With no more comfort than to say

At least we’re not Canuks today.

 

Because it’s true, or so we hear

Our weather’s not the worst to bear:

The Weather Channel made some calls

And featured International Falls.

Just finish covering me with snow and leave me until spring.

 

Not one bit better do we feel

As we suffer through this bitter pill.

It’s bad enough to feel this pain,

To make it worse, we can’t complain!

 

And so we skate across the lots

While searching for our parking slots

More fender benders as we slide

From one curb to the other side.

 

We get the after-crash advice

To let it go, or else the price

Of our insurance hits the roof,

Or just gets canceled, and goes poof.

 

On that we have to take a pass –

We need our cash to pay the gas.

The meter spins at higher speeds

To meet the frozen public’s needs

 

For someplace warm to thaw our toes

And that’s not outside, Heaven knows.

Nor can our car’s heat melt the ice --

The price of fuel has risen twice

 

Just since we got home from our work,

Which took an hour, ‘cause some jerk

In an SUV, (thought he could do his thing)

Crashed in a ditch and caused a scene.

 

It may be true four wheel drive’s nice,

But doesn’t do a thing on ice

Especially when the guy inside

Has little brains, but lots of pride

 

And somehow thinks that he’s immune

To weather you don’t see in June.

And driving like a maniac,

He puts his truck up on its back.

 

Which leads the rest of us, quite snidely

To laugh at his misfortune widely.

Despite the danger that, down the road

It might be us who ends up snowed.

 

Once Christmas goes, there’s nothing new

For we poor Hoosiers to look forward to

Just slushy ground and blackened trees

And snow that comes up to our knees,

 

Ah, but then March arrives.

The end’s in sight, so we surmise.

We start to feel, and with good reason,

That we survived another season.

 

It’s true, the roads are covered now

With melted ice that no snow plow

Can get removed, but it’s just brief.

Besides, the thawing brings relief

 

From frostbit skin and higher bills,

And moods so dark that only pills

Could bring us through more rounds of snows

Without our family coming to blows.

Sometimes it doesn't pay to get off the porch.

 

But wait! Just as we regain our reason

Comes basketball playoff season.

The high school teams roam far and wide

And bring back temps that rip our hides.

 

How is it that the final games

Can bring us so much weather pain?

With snow and sleet and wind and ice,

And other crap that’s just not nice.

 

The groundhog may have said we’d get

An early end to this, and yet

As long as we have basketball

There’ll be an ice storm ‘fore the fall.

 

Spring is never early, though.

It will arrive and then we’ll know

We have some time to smile and thaw

Until the heat waves bakes us raw.

 

So it goes in the Hoosier state:

There’s always something new to hate.

 

 

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