Speak of the Devil: Stepping Into The Fields Of Normandy
Speak of the Devil: Stepping Into The Fields Of Normandy: " Soldiers, sailors, and airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force. You are about to embark on a great crusade, toward which we have s...
D-Day plus 70
About 75
years ago, political and military weakness and appeasement led to the conquest
of Western Europe by a power-mad dictator.
70 years
ago today, thousands of American, British, Canadian, and French warriors
spilled their blood to correct that mistake.
They were,
indeed, the Greatest Generation, and we owe them everything.
Home Maintenance Goes Down The Toilet
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
In honor of my son-in-law coming over to
replace the toilet in my house—as far as I know, the old one was original
equipment—here’s the story from a few months back, about what happened that led
to its retirement.
The best possible
advice about home improvement comes in two simple words:
Call. A.
Professional.
Okay,
that’s three words. I screwed it up, just as I screw up every attempt to fix my
home’s ancient and decrepit pluming. It’s a story old as time, just like my house.
I used to
be smart about it. I used to rent. Sure, there was the possibility of an
uncaring landlord who wouldn’t fix something, but at least it was on them, and
not me.
But nooooo
…. I had to buy a house.
My first
attempt at home repair was to replace a leaky trap underneath my kitchen sink.
A trap is the little curvy thing that keeps sewer gases from coming up, and
also serves as the last line of defense against permanently lost wedding rings.
My trap was of metal made in the 18 something’s, which was now no line of
anything.
I didn’t
know plumbing metal could get brittle. When I couldn’t get the couplings to
turn, I hooked on a wrench and gave it a good, hard pull. The trap exploded in
my face. It was a trap!
That’s not a metaphor—it literally
exploded in my face. You’d think, after rinsing out my eyes and bandaging the
cuts, I would have recognized that as a sign. But without money to pay a
professional I persevered, which is to say continued failing.
Fast
forward 23 years.
A faint
sound coming from the toilet turned out to be a small leak of water, constantly
going down the drain. There are far worse places the water could go, but it was
still a waste. I looked into the back of the toilet, where all the fun innards
are, and realized the easiest way to fix the problem would be to just take all
the mechanical stuff out and replace it in one piece.
The very
definition of “it seemed like a good idea at the time”.
At the
store, I found exactly what was needed: the whole thingamajig, almost totally assembled
and ready to be plugged right in. It even said on the box the two most
important things you want to read: “Fits all toilets”, and “easy installation”.
It could be installed in minutes, the packaging explained, which I
automatically expanded to hours.
My wife
checked the first aid kit and retreated to a safe position that was close
enough to hear cries of pain. In truth, she’s better at this stuff than I am
once she’s tried it the first time, but this particular job she hadn’t done
before. I should have just left it to her, anyway.
At first
the dog, who wasn’t around last time this happened, followed me around with
wagging tail. After the first hour of hearing me talk to myself and read
instructions out loud Bae continued to follow me, but kept his distance and
wore a puzzled expression.
The first
thing you should do is turn off the water to the toilet. Modern toilet
installations have a valve you can turn. Mine was installed in the early 1900’s
by a blind kid and two drunken monkeys. All untrained.
After some searching in the
basement, it became clear I’d have to turn off all the water in the house, and
fortunately there is a valve for that. Afterwards I marched back upstairs,
emptied the toilet, and watched it fill up again.
Huh.
Another trip downstairs. Yes, the
main water line was turned off. Maybe it was water still in the lines? I opened
a downstairs tap. Nothing came out. Upstairs, I flushed the toilet. It began
filling again.
Another trip downstairs. Carefully
following the maze of piping revealed that there was a way to isolate the
toilet after all, by turning two different valves. Unfortunately, that shut off
water to the furnace, which uses hot water radiators to heat the house; the
water was back-feeding from the radiators into the toilet. Apparently it never
occurred to the two drunken monkeys that the toilet might need to be fixed
during winter.
An hour in, and the new packaging
had not yet been opened.
You have to reach under the back of
the toilet and unscrew stuff to take the internal fixtures out, something I
didn’t know until after opening the instructions. The day before I’d hurt my
back shoveling snow, so curling up on the floor of my miniscule bathroom was a
new adventure in pain. (It was at about this time that the dog started keeping
its distance.)
Still,
removing the old stuff turned out to be easy once I figured out how. The
biggest problem was that all the water in the back didn’t drain out until I
disconnected the water line, then it all came out at once. Not to worry: I
always have a stack of towels waiting. Better water than blood.
Then I took a closer look at the
instructions for the “easy” installment of my new whatchamacallit:
There were
nineteen steps. Nineteen.
And get
this: The stuff that was all together, so that all I had to do was put it in?
It had to be taken apart first. Yeah. There were three individual whojamadiggys
in the package, and one was a little setup of two washers, and two plastic
nuts, already connected to a long, curved plastic … thing. They all had to be
separated. One rubber washer turned out to be two washers, which were
apparently made one inside the other to save money. It didn’t say how to
separate them. By then I was ready to use a chain saw.
Next week: It gets worse.
60 Years Old And Still Smashing Cities
Years ago I
did a review of movies just out on video, which I called “Amateur Armchair
Review” because … why not? I stopped because the paper apparently no longer
needed the filler, but you really miss me, don’t you? Go on, say it …
Fine. I’m
back anyway, because doing a regular review of new movies gives me an excuse to
go see new movies. I’m starting late with “Godzilla”, the reboot of my favorite
childhood monster movies. Instead of bad dubbing and a guy in a rubber suit we
get spectacular effects and excellent production values, but I liked it anyway.
Unlike the
last American attempt at the franchise, which I didn’t hate but also didn’t
like much, this version has the feel of a Japanese monster movie. That’s a
compliment, by the way. The biggest criticism I’ve seen is that the main
character just kind of floats through, letting things happen to him. That’s
true. At least, it’s true for the main human
character.
Aaron
Taylor-Johnson is Ford Brody, who reluctantly heads to Japan to bail out his
obsessed dad, Joe (Bryan Cranston … why do they never give acting Oscars for
monster movies?) Joe is obsessing over a nuclear accident that killed his wife
years ago, and it turns out Joe is right that the whole thing is a cover-up …
there’s a monster in them-there ruins.
But the
monster is not Godzilla, who at 60 was probably convalescing at the Old
Monster’s Home. It’s a MUTO (don’t ask), a giant monster that happens to wake
up just when our heroes break into the place. What are the chances?
Things go
south very quickly and soon Godzilla is chasing the MUTO, because he’s
apparently employed by Mother Nature to bring balance back to the Force, or
maybe I’m mixing up my franchises. Luckily Brody’s wife, played by Mary Kate
and Ashley Olsen’s less scary sister Elizabeth, is safe with their son all the
way across the Pacific, in San Francisco. The monsters will never end up there.
Will they?
This is not
the perfect monster movie, mostly because I’m not getting a cut. It’s true Ford
Brody tends to go along with whatever challenge tends to pop up in front of
him—and he certainly isn’t as much fun as the 1998 “Godzilla” character played
by Matthew Broderick, who along with a great cast was trapped in a movie with
no heart. (Could that be related to movie maker Roland Emmerich saying he
didn’t like the original Godzilla movies? That’s
who you want making one.)
Although
Brody manages to save the day in the end—somebody’s day—sort of—I suspect his
bouncing around was on purpose. Yes, he’s just trying to get back to his
family, and later protect them, but his and all human activity is a subplot. (And
sometimes not an interesting subplot.)
This isn’t about humanity, which to
the monsters is no more important than ants on the ground being trampled during
a fist fight. This is very much about humanity’s helplessness in the face of
forces of nature that care not a bit what people do. It’s a dark film, very
much a disaster movie, with absolutely mind-blowing special effects. But it
brings back the spirit of the original films, in a way that’s hard to explain.
And yeah,
for all the destruction, it’s fun. Don’t judge me.
My score,
going back to my old review days:
Oscar
potential: 3 ½ out of 4 M&M’s, if only for special effects, or the score.
Entertainment
value: 4 out of 4 M&M’s. The good green ones.
Next: I slice into the X-Men
Galley Slave
The galleys for
"The Notorious Ian Grant"
have already arrived from Whiskey Creek Press! I have a week to make a final
error check, so I likely won't be online all that much for a while.
It's earlier
than I expected, but don't panic, the release date is still October. (Okay, so
I'm the one who panicked, which is why I double checked.)
Buy a book at the fish fry
Copies
of “Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A
Century Or So With The Albion Fire Department” will be on sale for $9.95 at
the Albion Fire Department’s annual all-you-can-eat fish and tenderloin fry. The
meal will again be a part of the Chain O’ Lakes Festival, on Wednesday, June 4th.
The dinner
will be held from 5 p.m. – 7:30 p.m. at the Albion Fire Station, 210 Fire
Station Drive on the east end of town. Price for adults is $9, for children $6,
and it’s free for children 5 and under. In addition to the unlimited fish and
tenderloin, chips, applesauce, baked beans, bread, and a drink are on the menu.
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