Showing posts with label Olympics fail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Olympics fail. Show all posts

Old Olympics Events Leave Fans Confused

Here's a look at some past Olympic sports that are no longer in the games.

Several years ago, baseball and softball were pulled from competition. The American women dominated in softball, while in baseball Americans … well, they only got three medals in five tries. The Cuban team grabbed the gold. There’s not much else to do in Cuba, except play baseball and stare longingly toward Florida, where senior citizens have high speed internet and all-you-can-eat buffets.

In lacrosse, a medal event in 1904 and 1908, people in face masks hit their balls with big fly swatters. It died out in the early 1900’s because only the Canadians, British, and Americans were willing to take the punishment. Former lacrosse players are now employed as dog catchers and butterfly collectors.

Basque pelota was only a medal event in 1900, because nobody could figure out how to pronounce it. It’s played on a court with a ball, sometimes using a racket, but sometimes not.

In other words, it’s handball. If they’d called it that, basque pelota-ites would be on Wheaties boxes.

 

Downhill skiing initially fared poorly, with over a dozen cases of heat stroke before it was moved to the WINTER games. 

 

Tandem cycling was popular in the Olympics, from 1920-72. It’s being considered again with more interesting rules: The guy in front steers, while the guy in back can lash out at other competitors with lacrosse sticks. It’s now a favorite of retired hockey players.

In 1948 winter pentathlon was put on as a demonstration sport, and consisted of downhill skiing, cross-country skiing, shooting, fencing, and horse riding.

All together. In the same event.

Cat Pool proved particularly popular with pooch preference people.

 

Sweden, which remained more or less neutral through World War II, had a whole army of young men just itching to shoot something: They swept all the winter pentathlon medals. However, the sport was discontinued after ski-clad Swedes on horseback shot all the competitors’ horses while jumping over the fencing.

Motorboarding--I initially thought this was something altogether different--was tried in 1908. It ended with only one boat finishing in each of three races. It turns out the Swedes used their winter pentathlon rifles to shoot up the other boat engines, leading officials to change to rowing.

Polo was a favorite Olympic event in the early 1900’s, but it was canceled after the Swedes sent in their entry forms.

The Olympics also tried an obstacle course … for swimmers. Competitors had to climb over a pole, go over a row of boats, and then swim under another row of boats. Luckily they had an excess of boats left over from the motorboat races.

Speaking of swimming, in 1984 they tried solo synchronized swimming.

Think about it.

 

Synchronized Ball Inflation preceded most Olympic sports that included balls, but failed badly after the tennis event caused several aneurysms.

 

Then there’s the one Olympic sport I actually participated in: Tug of war. Not in the Olympics, but we won, and didn’t have to borrow Swedish rifles to do it. Between 1900 and 1920 the sport was dominated by Great Britain, which sent teams of police officers. And remember, their cops were unarmed. Good thing the Swedes didn’t have a team.

Distance plunging would have been interesting … or not. Athletes would dive into the pool and coast underwater, without moving.

That’s it. The winner is the one who drifted the longest in sixty seconds, or when they floated to the surface, whichever came first. An American won the gold, although it should be noted that this competition happened only once, in the 1904 St. Louis Olympics. It should also be noted that only Americans competed.

I’m not sure how they could tell whether the athlete was winning, or drowning.

Groundhog Racing was halted after a series of crashes--and rabies.
 

Also at St. Louis, another US competitor did an impressive job winning gold in a sport that still gives old gym class haters nightmares: the rope climb. Why was George Eyser so impressive? Because he had a wooden leg.

In 1906 they tried the sport of pistol dueling. No, it wasn’t won by a Swede. It wasn’t really dueling, either: Competitors shot at a dummy dressed in a frock coat, and by dummy I don’t mean the guy who planned the Sochi games. It’s a good thing, because it could have been the one sport where the silver and bronze medals were awarded posthumously.

Finally, here’s a sport they tried just once, at the 1900 Paris Olympics:

Live pigeon shooting.

When the feathers cleared, a Belgian named Leon de Lunden got the gold for downing 21 birds, none of which had a say in the matter. Then he celebrated with a steak dinner.

Once the onlookers got a look at the mess left behind, they decided the Swedes weren’t so bad.

 

 

 

Remember, books can make your brain strong enough to win the reading gold.

 

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Former Olympic Events Leave Fans Confused

I haven't seen a lot of this year's Olympics, because I had my hands over my eyes most of the time. Are there always that many crashes, or didn't I notice before? And why isn't someone giving those people tickets for traveling 70 mph on two sticks? And no way are there safety belts on those sleds.

Even one of the curling guys fell over.

So instead of writing about how my bones hurt just watching, here's my 2014 look at some past Olympic sports that are no longer in the games. Yes, it's a rerun--give me a break, this is my 28th Olympics.

Several years ago, baseball and softball were pulled from competition. The American women dominated in softball, while in baseball Americans … well, they only got three medals in five tries. The Cuban team grabbed the gold. There’s not much else to do in Cuba, except play baseball and stare longingly toward Florida, where senior citizens have high speed internet and all-you-can-eat buffets.


Lacrosse was a medal event—in 1904 and 1908. It involves people in facemasks hitting their balls with big fly swatters. It died out in the early 1900’s because only the Canadians, British, and Americans were willing to take the punishment; former lacrosse players are now employed as dog catchers and butterfly collectors.

Basque pelota was only a medal event in 1900, because nobody could figure out how to pronounce it. It’s played on a court with a ball, sometimes using a racket, but sometimes not.

In other words, it’s handball. If they’d called it that, basque pelota-ites would be on Wheaties boxes.

 

Downhill skiing initially fared poorly, with over a dozen cases of heat stroke before it was moved to the WINTER games.

  

Tandem cycling was popular in the Olympics from 1920-72. It’s being considered again with new, more interesting rules: The guy in front steers, while the guy in back can lash out at other competitors with lacrosse sticks. It’s now a favorite of retired hockey players.

In 1948 winter pentathlon was put on as a demonstration sport, and consisted of downhill skiing, cross-country skiing, shooting, fencing, and horse riding.

All together. In the same event.

Cat Pool proved particularly popular with dog lovers.

  

Sweden, which remained more or less neutral through World War II, had a whole army of young men just itching to shoot something: They swept all the winter pentathlon medals. However, the sport was discontinued after ski-clad Swedes on horseback shot all the competitors’ horses while jumping over the fencing.

Motorboarding--and I initially thought this was something altogether different--was tried in 1908. It ended with only one boat finishing in each of three races. It turns out the Swedes used their winter pentathlon rifles to shoot up the other boat engines, leading officials to change to rowing.

Polo was a favorite Olympic event in the early 1900’s, but it was canceled after the Swedes sent in their entry forms.

The Olympics also tried an obstacle course … involving swimmers. Competitors had to climb over a pole, go over a row of boats, and then swim under another row of boats. Luckily they had an excess of boats left over from the motorboat races.

Speaking of swimming, in 1984 they tried solo synchronized swimming.

Think about it.

 

Synchronized Ball Inflation preceeded most Olympic sports that included balls, but failed badly after the tennis event caused several aneurysms.

  

Then there’s the one Olympic sport I actually participated in: Tug of war. Not in the Olympics, but we won, and didn’t even have to borrow Swedish rifles to do it. Between 1900 and 1920 the sport was dominated by Great Britain, which sent teams of police officers. And remember, back then their cops were unarmed. Good thing the Swedes didn’t have a team.

Distance plunging would have been interesting … or not. Athletes would dive into the pool and coast underwater, without moving.

That’s it. The winner is the one who drifted the longest in sixty seconds, or when they floated to the surface, whichever came first. An American won the gold, although it should be noted that this competition happened only once, in the 1904 St. Louis Olympics. It should also be noted that only Americans competed.

I’m not sure how they could tell whether the athlete was winning, or drowning.

Groundhog Racing was halted after a series of crashes--and rabies.
 

Also at St. Louis, another US competitor did an impressive job winning gold in a sport that gives this old gym class hater nightmares: the rope climb. Why was George Eyser so impressive? Because he had a wooden leg.

In 1906 they tried the sport of pistol dueling. No, it wasn’t won by a Swede. It wasn’t really dueling, either: Competitors shot at a dummy dressed in a frock coat, and by dummy I don’t mean the guy who planned the Sochi games. It’s a good thing they cleared up how they did it, because I was thinking this would be one sport where the silver and bronze medals were awarded posthumously.

Finally, here’s a sport they tried just once, at the 1900 Paris Olympics:

Live pigeon shooting.

When the feathers cleared, a Belgian named Leon de Lunden got the gold for downing 21 birds, none of which had a say in the matter. Then he celebrated with a steak dinner.

Once the onlookers got a look at the mess left behind, they decided the Swedes weren’t so bad.

 

 

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Former Olympic Events Left Fans ... Confused


SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK



I won’t dwell on the problems with getting the Sochi Winter Olympics ready in Russia, mostly because I dwelled on those last week. Instead, let’s look at some past Olympic sports that are no longer in the games.

Most recently, baseball and softball were pulled from competition. The American women dominated in softball, while in baseball Americans … well, they only got three medals in five tries. The Cuban team grabbed the gold. There’s not much else to do in Cuba, except play baseball and stare longingly toward Florida, to where senior citizens have high speed internet and all-you-can-eat buffets.

Lacrosse was a medal event—in 1904 and 1908. It involves people in facemasks hitting balls with big fly swatters. It died out in the early 1900’s because only the Canadians, British, and Americans were willing to take the punishment; former lacrosse players are now employed as dog catchers and butterfly collectors.

Basque pelota was only a medal event in 1900, because nobody could figure out how to pronounce it. It’s played on a court with a ball, sometimes using a racket, but sometimes not.

In other words, it’s handball. If they’d called it that, basque pelota-ites would be on Wheaties boxes.

Tandem cycling was popular in the Olympics from 1920-72. It’s being considered again with new, more interesting rules: The guy in front steers, while the guy in back can lash out at other competitors with lacrosse sticks. It’s now a favorite of retired hockey players.

Winter pentathlon was a difficult event, although the Russians might beat that with their new one, team gay-bashing. In 1948 winter pentathlon was put on as a demonstration sport, and consisted of downhill skiing, cross-country skiing, shooting, fencing, and horse riding.

All together. In the same event.

Sweden, which remained more or less neutral through World War II, had a whole army of young men just itching to shoot something: They swept all the medals. However, the sport was discontinued after ski-clad Swedes on horseback shot all the competitors’ horses while jumping over the fencing.

Motorboarding was tried in 1908, and ended with only one boat finishing in each of three races. It turns out the Swedes used their winter pentathlon rifles to shoot up the other boat engines, leading officials to change to rowing.

Polo was a favorite Olympic event in the early 1900’s, but it was canceled after the Swedes sent in their entry forms.

The Olympics also tried an obstacle course … involving swimmers. Competitors had to climb over a pole, go over a row of boats, and then swim under another row of boats. Luckily they had an excess of boats left over from the motorboat races.

Speaking of swimming, in 1984 they tried solo synchronized swimming.

Think about it.

Then there’s the one Olympic sport I actually participated in: Tug of war. Not in the Olympics, but we won, and didn’t even have to borrow Swedish rifles to do it. Between 1900 and 1920 the sport was dominated by Great Britain, which sent teams of police officers. And remember, back then the cops were unarmed. Good thing the Swedes didn’t have a team.

Distance plunging would have been interesting … or not. Athletes would dive into the pool and coast underwater, without moving.

That’s it. The winner is the one who drifted the longest in sixty seconds, or when they floated to the surface, whichever came first. An American won the gold, although it should be noted that this competition happened only once, in the 1904 St. Louis Olympics. It should also be noted that only Americans competed.

I’m not sure how they could tell whether the athlete was winning, or drowning.

Also at St. Louis, another US competitor did an impressive job winning the gold in a sport that gives this old gym class hater nightmares: the rope climb. Why was George Eyser so impressive? Because he had a wooden leg.

In 1906 they tried the sport of pistol dueling. No, it wasn’t won by a Swede. It wasn’t really dueling, either: Competitors shot at a dummy dressed in a frock coat, and by dummy I don’t mean the guy who planned the Sochi games. It’s a good thing they cleared up how they did it, because I was thinking this would be one sport where the silver and bronze medals were awarded posthumously.

Finally, here’s a sport they tried just once, at the 1900 Paris Olympics:

Live pigeon shooting.

When the feathers cleared, a Belgian named Leon de Lunden got the gold for downing 21 birds, none of which had a say in the matter. Then he celebrated with a steak dinner.

Once the onlookers got a look at the mess left behind, they decided the Swedes weren’t so bad.
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Deconstructing The Sochi Olympics‏



SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK


            I kept hearing about some disaster that was going to happen in a place called Sochi this winter. Something about gay terrorists with torches attacking bad hotels during a heat wave, or some such thing.

            Turns out they’re having the Olympics.

            The Soviet Union broke up, but it seems the Russians putting on the 2014 Winter Olympics still adhere to the communist style of efficiency and quality (and personal freedoms). Sochi, by the way, is Russian for “whatever”.

Efficiency? Less than a week before the Olympics, this small town has unfinished hotels, unworking Wi-Fi, and TV’s that don’t tele any vision. Gorki Plaza, intended to be a hub of transportation and accommodations, was indeed buzzing with people—all of them construction workers.

Meanwhile the Russians, once masters of propaganda, recently passed a law outlawing “gay propaganda”. No word on whether straight propaganda has been outlawed, but apparently they’re trying to protect minors (Miners are on their own).

If the idea is to keep underage people from being exposed to nasty sex stuff, wouldn’t they already have general nasty sex stuff laws to cover everyone? It would be like a law being passed in America that covers everyone else, but not members of Congress. Oh, wait …

Russia’s no worse than having the Olympics in China, which is still communist, and run by a government that hasn’t discriminated in who it massacres. That’s the thing about the Olympics: They let anybody run it. You know what the really crazy thing about the Sochi Olympics is? It’s that it’s being held in Sochi, which is a Black Sea resort.

A summer resort.

 Maybe the Russians will get most infrastructure problems cleared up, especially with Putin cracking the proverbial (and maybe literal) whip. Still, you have to suspect any hotel where the water looks like apple juice, but is deadlier than a masked killer in a woods full of sex-starved teens.

Also, I’d be a bit hesitant to stay in a place where the toilets come with a sign instructing guests not to flush toilet paper down those self-same toilets. You’re supposed to put it in a provided bin—hey, at least they provided a bin—but one wonders what that bathroom’s going to smell like after a few days.

It’ll smell bad anyway, because apparently if you shower the water will melt your skin off. In one hotel, the staff instructed people not to wash their faces with the water because “it contains something very dangerous”. Huh? What does that mean? Parasites? Zombie virus? Siberian potato vodka?

So, no one can take a shower? We’re talking about hundreds of athletes and reporters, two of the smelliest types of people around.

I looked through photos of the “almost” finished living quarters, and was stunned. They looked as if they’d been constructed by … well … me.

At the end of one hallway there were two windows: One set at ground level, the other along the ceiling. I could understand that in the summer Olympics, when you might need one for the basketball players and one for the gymnasts, but still.

Newly installed light fixtures appeared to be falling to the floor in pieces. Have you ever stepped on the remains of a light fixture? Well, for the full experience come to Sochi, or my house.

A CNN reporter tweeted a photo of his hotel room, which looked like the aftermath of a football victory celebration in Seattle.

Ball-shaped toppers on a banister outside a McDonalds just … fell off. I don’t think they’d be good for curling, but maybe they can be saved for the summer shot putt.

One guy had a nice door to his hotel room, but no door handle. Another found orange peels in his closet. Not the orange, just the peels. The hotel lobby … wasn’t there.

You couldn’t always tell if the wireless internet worked, because the power kept going out. But one guy must have had a good signal, because the internet routers were hanging from a hole in his hotel wall.

Around the village, some of the manholes had no covers, which might be the start of still another arcane Olympic event.

Here’s my favorite: In addition to construction workers, the entire area around the Olympics seems to have been overrun by … dogs.

Forget about terrorists: There was no place nearby for them to stay, and the busses they were taking lost their luggage and ran out of gas. I’d say the athletes should worry about going out onto the ice—and sinking.
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