Slightly Off the Mark: politics

Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts

The Klu Klux Klan Klobbers Kommon Sense

Way back in 2006 the Klu Klux Klan distributed flyers on cars around town, during our annual Chain O' Lakes Festival. The more I thought of it, the more I was reminded of a quote from the movie "Two Weeks Notice":

“You’re the most annoying person on earth.”

“Well, that’s just silly – have you met everyone on earth?”

I don’t know everyone on earth. I don’t even know everyone on American Idol, so I don't like to saddle any group with a character trait. But in the case of the Klan, I’m willing to make an exception.

The Boys in/of White visited Albion in 2006 with their cheerful message of hate and intolerance. You could say they skulked around, since no one actually saw them placing flyers on all the cars (except the black ones). However, since Albion is mostly white, you can see how they could blend in. Very few people of color join that organization, despite the KKK’s nifty free dry cleaning policy.

Now, let’s be fair to the Klan. All they want is a safe, free society for themselves and everyone else who’s exactly like them. Really, how are they any worse than the Nazis, or the Nation of Islam, or anyone who yells "death to (your choice of country here)"? It’s all in perspective: Hitler was nice to animals, and Saddam Hussein used to sing lullabies to small children before having their parents tortured.

My wife, who's part Cherokee, finds this sign amusing. It should be noted the streets were there long before Adolf came along.

Besides, this particular flyer targeted only homosexuality and illegal immigration, so hey – I guess nobody else has anything to worry about, huh?

In some ways, the flyer’s not too different from many others you might find under your windshield wipers. There’s an invitation to subscribe to their newsletter, “Thoughts Under the Hood”, for the low, low rate of $16 a year:

“How to find a good home in an all-white neighborhood! A guide to throwing great parties without letting the riff-raff in! Part 3 of tips for removing blood stains from white clothing!”

Let’s hope no one mixes that newsletter up with “Thought IN the Hood”, which is an entirely different animal. Talk about embarrassing.

There’s also a request for donations, because “We’re not funded by the government” (Finally, the government does something right). They need extra money for hair gel. No, seriously – two hours of burning crosses on a hot night can give a person a serious case of hat hair.

My grandfather didn't slog his way across Europe so these bozos could pull the same crap over here.

The flyer declares: “Notice there is family morals that need to be brought back to our family.” Family morals, but apparently not grammar. How sad. Well, they say Abraham Lincoln was a lousy speller.

Um, maybe this would be a bad time to bring up Lincoln.

Some of the flyer actually made me chuckle, in that ironic way I have just before throwing small objects across the room. The KKK, of all organizations, actually mentions the Pledge of Allegiance? You know, the one that says One Nation – Indivisible – With Liberty and Justice for All? What’s more divisive than the Klan?

Okay, the Presidential race, but otherwise, what? Oh, sure, college basketball – could we get back to the point?

Here’s the part I like the best. This KKK flyer, which is dedicated partially to an anti-gay rant, starts with “The Cape Crusaiders rides once again in the state of Indiana.”

Come on. Everybody knows Batman and Robin were flaming homosexuals. Whoever wrote this thing was having some fun with their Klan buddies, maybe hinting at what he thinks they should really be doing under the sheets.

Maybe we have something in common. I’m against illegal immigration, I’m a patriot, and I think children should be taught family values and good morals. I’m just like those Klan guys in so many ways, including a poor grip on grammar, with one little exception: I think –

No.

I KNOW -- every single person should be judged on their own merits. Their accomplishments, their failings, their crimes, their contributions to or damage to society. If I changed the color of my skin (I’m told that’s now possible), I’d be the same person. Except darker. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to understand the common sense of that.

Or, in the case of our Men in White, a brain donor.

Speaking of skin color, I find it highly ironic that, at the top of the KKK flyer, is a picture of the American flag – along with the words, “These colors will never bleed”.

Ironic. And sad, because these brain donors didn’t see the irony.

The flag works better with all the colors.

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Remember: A hood is hard to read through.

Making Political Violence Fun Again

Let's talk assassination attempts. But let's make it fun.

Assassinations aren't funny, of course. But neither is is getting injured by a mechanical device, and I've built several humor blogs out of that subject. Thankfully it's been 63 years since the last successful attempt to kill an American president, but that's not from lack of trying.

I just realized, I'm 63 ... but my mother had an alibi.

Were people actually trying to kill President Trump? Yes. Look, for a decade people have been actively, publicly, and specifically wishing for Trump's death, so it's no surprise someone swaying over the edge of sanity would actually try. Besides, if the most recent attempt was faked, the guy would have been conveniently offed by the Secret Service.

One factor in choosing weapons is ease of concealment.

Abraham Lincoln is practically a saint now, but when he was president a whole section of the country hated him. By the way, about a month before his assassination Lincoln became the target of a kidnapping plot, which I read about while researching for our Hoosier Hysterical sequel.

The bad guys planned to kidnap Lincoln on his way to a play (!), and hold him hostage in exchange for the release of every single Confederate prisoner of war. Apparently they thought the POWs would immediately take up arms again, but I think most would have headed home.

The leader of the plot, an actor named John Wilkes Booth, was no doubt enraged when Lincoln chose to skip the theater, and instead rode to the National Hotel in Washington. There Lincoln presented a Civil War battle flag to Indiana Governor Oliver P. Morton.

So ... Indiana saved Lincoln's life, at least for a few weeks.

Oh, I almost forgot: The night before he shot Lincoln, Booth stayed in--the National Hotel.

It turns out there are worse ideas than political violence.

The next President to be assassinated was James Garfield, by an office seeker who thought he didn't get enough credit for getting Garfield elected. What most people don't know is that there was a previous attempt on Garfield's life, in which a rabies-infected tabby cat was thrown at him in Indiana. Luckily, the cat was distracted by a lasagna shop.

Then there was William McKinley, who was shot by an anarchist promoting, I assume, anarchy. Instead of anarchy we got Theodore Roosevelt.

John F. Kennedy was the last assassinated president, dying in 1963, and I once more want to point out my mother and I both had alibis.

In 1981 Ronald Reagan did get shot, but survived, although he complained to his wife that he forgot to duck. Reagan lost half his blood volume, which may be why he scribbled a note to a nurse in which he quoted W.C. Fields: "All in all, I'd rather be in Philadelphia".

And where did that shooting take place? The Washington Hilton, scene of the latest incident involving Trump. They're going to get a reputation.

Thankfully, many attempts failed:

When a man tried to shoot Andrew Jackson, both of his pistols misfired. (Although they later worked fine, so--angels?) Jackson then beat the man down with his cane.

In 1909 President Taft headed for a summit in Mexico, where he was guarded by the Texas Rangers, the Secret Service, FBI, U.S. Marshals, 4,000 soldiers, and a 250-member private security team.

Shockingly, nobody got a shot off at Taft. Still, a Texas Ranger discovered an armed man waiting along the procession route.

In 1974 a man tried to kill President Nixon by flying a hijacked jet airliner into the White House. He killed two people, but was shot before he got off the ground: He'd forgotten to remove the plane's wheel blocks.

Later that same year, a man known as the Alphabet Bomber sent a message saying he was going to kill newly minted President Gerald R. Ford. Sending the message was his mistake.

Notice they've all been men? Well, the 70s was a time of women's liberation, so in the cause of equal rights two women tried to shoot Ford, 17 days apart, in California. Both were stymied by the fact that they hadn't familiarized themselves with their handguns. Insert your own misogynistic joke here.

The truth is, just about every American president has been the target of assassins, especially in recent decades. Left wing, right wing, cuckoo wingnut wing, they all have one thing in common: Hatred. To be honest, I find hatred to be exhausting.

"You there: That doesn't look like a campaign contribution."

But let's go back to Theodore Roosevelt, who was shot because of a different president's assassination.

As he prepared to give a speech in 1912, Roosevelt, famously long-winded, folded up his 50 page speech and stuck it in his coat pocket, along with his eyeglass case. Then he was shot by a man who was instructed to do so by William McKinley, who had also been shot--12 years before--and was, well, dead.

The bullet was slowed by the case and the speech, and lodged in Roosevelt's chest muscles. Roosevelt, with blood seeping through his shirt, then delivered a 90 minute speech before going to the hospital.

You can't kill that kind of toughness.

You can find a lot of serious stuff treated with humor in our books: