Write-In Ballots Challenge Sanity

 During the last national election (in the otherwise cursed year of 2024), Tippecanoe County, Indiana received a number of write-in ballots for the office of President. I've always thought of write-ins as being the sign of a healthy, free country, where citizens can voice their displeasure with the two main party candidates.

But sometimes, not so much.

In addition to the write-ins, one ballot was held back as provisional because the voter dropped it off on election night--at a Colorado polling place. Half the people of Colorado probably don't even know where Indiana is, let alone Tippecanoe County, and vice-versa.

As far as write-in votes, the biggest vote-getter was Jill Stein, who was running as the Green Party nominee. I don't know what their platform is, but I like the color.

39 voters chose the candidates for the Party of Socialism and Liberation. I guess their goals are pretty much right there in the title: They believe revolution is necessary to establish socialism. In my study of history I've noticed most socialist revolutions lead to a few people being in charge, and a lot of other people being dead.

Cornel West and Melina Abdullah also snagged a few votes. No, I don't know either, let me check ...

Oh--activists! Also socialists, and although that's not my thing, I have to admire Cornel West's awesome and intimidating hairstyle.

U.S. Rep. Thomas Massie, a Republican from Kentucky, got two votes, but I hear he's way more popular in Kentucky. He got the same amount of votes as Kanye West, who I hear is not as popular in Kentucky.

Jesus got 6 votes, and God got 3. Honestly, it seems like those should be combined.

So, who else got write-in votes?

Mike Rowe, he of "Dirty Jobs", one of the few people in the entertainment industry I'd actually vote for. Also one of the few who has an actual idea of what the average Joe does for a living.

Johnny Cash, who I'd probably also vote for except he's kind of, well ... dead. Not that I'd trying to discriminate against dead people, mind you. Lots of dead people vote every election.

Former President John Quincy Adams, by all accounts a man of principle, but sadly also dead. For awhile, now. He would be eligible, though, as he was a one term President, and I'm not sure there's anything in the Constitution forbidding dead candidates. Some people in Congress look awfully dead.

John Quincy--who wouldn't love those sideburns?

Singer Willie Nelson. I can't help thinking he'd have a "legalize marijuana" plank in his platform. If not a plank, at least a joint.

Alfred E. Neuman, the "What--me worry?" mascot of MAD Magazine, which doesn't have the circulation it once did. He may be a little too laid back.

Michael Vick, sportsball star who also ran a dog fighting ring that got him put in prison. Lots of politicians have gotten away with worse stuff than that, but as a dog lover I kind wish he was still behind bars. Which ... also isn't necessarily fatal to a political career.

Kermit the Frog. Yeah, I'd totally vote for him. I mean, he kept the Muppet Show more or less under control, and as First Lady Miss Piggy would also serve as butt-kicker in chief.

And finally, the one I'm really surprised didn't get more votes:

"They All Suck."

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More Presidential Predictions, or: I have a time machine!

 I was very curious to know what the results would be from the upcoming US Presidential election, so I borrowed a car from a friend of mine and went to check it out.

When that baby hit 88 mph, I saw some serious stuff.

First of all, I was surprised to learn of the massive grass-roots write-in campaign that led to the election of "None of the above".

It perhaps comes as no surprised that after a tie vote in the Senate, Senate President Kamala Harris cast the deciding vote to deny the results, her reasoning being that None Of the Above is not a real person. That led to a surprising challenge from California, by a person who, in 2005, did indeed have their name changed legally from Karma Applebutter to None Of the Above.

None--if I can call them that--lost their case after it was discovered they were born to Swedish parents during an airplane trip from London to Dubai to protest climate change. For those of you who haven't read it, that made them Constitutionally unable to run for the highest office. The same held true for their VP candidate, Toker Guitarsolo, although they claimed to have at least been conceived during a northern California wine tasting event.

 This left the election winner as the second biggest vote getter, which was another surprise because, it turns out, no one had actually checked to see who the second biggest vote getter was.

Vice President Harris again cast the deciding vote in the Senate, contending that, while having a tiger as a Vice President would be kind of cool and useful for dealing with dictatorships, Calvin and Hobbes technically are not real people.

 

This came as a great disappointment, and in the years since has generally been recognized as a great opportunity lost.

A movement to repeat the election collapsed when Donald Trump and Joe Biden announced they were leaving politics to become standup comedians. Their HBO special, "Joe and Don Comedy Tour" broke viewership records and won three Emmy Awards.

In the end Kamala Harris was certified as winning the election by narrow margins in both the popular and electoral vote, after serving as temporary President until the recount was finished in early 2026. The last of the legal challenges was thrown out of the 9th Circuit Court just after Harris finished her second term in 2039. The attorneys pushing that lawsuit disappeared shortly thereafter.

"Oh, a sanity clause won't work here."

 

Harris' suspension of the Constitutional to allow her to serve longer is hardly surprising, considering the outbreak of the Second Civil War in 2029. The conflict, between one side that called itself the United States and another that called itself the United States, ended quickly when the side nicknamed "The Coast States" discovered that their opponents in "The Middle" did indeed have a lot more guns and ammunition. The US Military, busy in other countries, declared itself neutral.

Presidents Harris and Vance then held a productive meeting in which The Coast agreed to stop making reality TV shows. The Middle promised to keep sending food to the cities, whose populations had never been entirely clear on where most food came from.

The citizens of Chicago later tried to secede and join Canada, but Canadian Prime Minister Justin Beiber refused, saying Chicago was "too mean".

 So, there you have it. As I predicted last week, Kamala Harris will be declared the next President. Hold your noses and vote, people.

Remember, folks: Humor. Parody. Stuff like that. While I still believe Harris will be declared winner, I can't confirm or deny that I have a time machine.

 

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Here's Who Will Be the Next President

 Yes, I'm going to tell you who will be named President on November Fifth, or possibly sometime in December.

In a minute.

I hate politics, and yet I follow politics closely. Why? For the same reason I used to pay close attention to where my dog did his business in the yard: The results could really screw up my day. Also, in both cases the results always seem to stink.

Every election the left gets lefter, the right gets righter, and the people in the middle question why we're giving so much power to a two-party system. It seems like the only people who want to start new political parties are even more extreme than the ones already there.

Then they wonder why everyone's so angry.

 

We should all be reminded of a song that might as well be about the present situation:

Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

 

Most of the little people are regular and overall decent folk doing the best they can. The worst problem they have is hypocrisy: The other guy is ALL bad, and our guy is ALL good. They refuse to except that their candidate isn't perfect, and that the other candidate may (gasp!) have some good points. The opposition isn't just wrong: They're demons who eat children and kick dogs, or possibly the other way around.

The truth is, once they've achieved a certain level in their political climb, both sides tend to turn into crooks working not for the people, but for their parties. All you have to do is look at laws they pass that don't apply to them, perks they get that no one else does, and the way the system is designed to make their reelection almost a done deal.

Term limits? "Sure, everyone else should be voted out, but not my guy!"

 

 

 The increased hatred of career politicians is what brought us Donald Trump. Love him or hate him, but pay attention.

Me, I don't like either candidate, although most of my political beliefs lean right of center. Some in the middle, a few left. Since I don't like any of the Presidential or Vice Presidential candidates, it's a lot easier to think more in terms of policies and records. In that, there's suckage on both sides.

What am I looking for somebody in Washington to do? Show me how they will:

Seal our porous southern border and stop the flow of illegal immigrants and various bad guys, and get those who are already here out.

 

Make the process for legal immigration more streamlined and easier for the people who get in line.

Balance the budget and start doing something about the approaching firestorm otherwise known as Federal Debt.

On a related note, shrink the government (which could be accomplished by deleting every Federal function that directly conflicts with the Constitution. Remember that thing?)

Maintain a strong defense in the face of our new Cold War with the Chinese and other challenges, while also controlling waste and costs in the military, and boy did I just ask for the impossible. Nobody said it was easy.

Get tougher on crime ... including crime among politicians.

Find a way to make health care more affordable for everyone, without leaving the decisions in the hands of red tape bureaucrats in Washington.

There's more, and I may not have listed the more important ones, but you get the idea. I'm not looking for an argument, so don't bother: I'm just calling it as I see it. And speaking of that, our next President will be:

 

Kamala Harris.

Maybe I'd be more thrilled if she'd actually showed up for work in the last four years, but she has a lot of advantages. Being a Democrat, she naturally has the support of almost all of the mainstream media. She's already established as VP (which isn't as much of an advantage as you'd think: Only six have been elected to the highest office). She has the correct gender and skin color. True, some will vote against her because of this, but many more will vote for her because of it, regardless of other factors.

So Harris will win, Trump will protest, and life will go on. The size of government and the debt will continue to grow. The border situation will maybe get better, with so much light being shined on it. And everyone will continue hating everyone else.

 

And then it'll be 2028.

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