Hacking Up An Internet Sickness

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

            A computer genius/loser at life recently spent several months slaving away, night and day, to hack into the iCloud service and swipe nude photos of numerous celebrities.

            This goes to show you, some guys will do anything to see women nude. You know it was a guy. And apparently a guy who wasn’t satisfied seeing most of these people nude—or close enough to nude—o n movies or cable TV.

            I’ve never cared for this “cloud” idea, in which you send all your important computer stuff somewhere else so it doesn’t get lost if your computer crashes. So, where’s somewhere else? What is the cloud, really?

More computers. Someone else’s computers.

While putting your stuff on numerous different computers in theory makes it less likely to be lost, my problem has always been that it makes it easier for your stuff to be found.

            The hack involves such celebrities as Abby Elliott, Candice Swanepoel, Keke Palmer, and even Emily Ratjakowski. No, I have no idea who any of those people are. However, I’m assured they’re celebrities, and apparently my lack of knowledge means I don’t spend enough time on squeaky-clean websites like 4chan. If you don’t already know what 4chan is, do not go there.

Actually, I pulled those names out specifically because I don’t know those particular people. There were plenty of names I was familiar with, from the kick-a%@ Scarlet Johansson to the already-hacked-nude Vanessa Hudgens, to the I-don’t-ever-want-to-see-her-nude Kim Kardashian.

Some are denying the photos are actually of them, and in the age of Photoshop that’s a possibility. Some are basically admitting it the way Jennifer Lawrence’s lawyer did, by threatening anyone who reposts them. Mary E. Winstead (seriously, no idea) Tweeted that her hacked photos were deleted a long time ago. This proves two things: First, that the hackers went to extremely great lengths to get the proverbial goods. Second, that once you put something up on the internet, it’s there. Forever.

For anyone who tracks down my early efforts at fanfiction: Go easy on me.

            The whole thing came into the open over Labor Day weekend. I would have reported on this incident earlier, but I was busy surfing the internet. For, um, cute photos of … bunnies.

            There are two schools of thought about this incident. One is that the hacker is a serious scumbag who needs to be tarred and feathered, after which the tar and feathers should be set on fire. The other is that these are celebrities, and they should have known better than to allow whatever parts they haven’t already revealed onto the internet.

            Both sides are right.

            But the first side is righter … um, more right.

            Yeah, I get it; with many of these celebrities we’ve already seen all but an inch of two of everything. Anybody who watched Kirsten Dunst in that rainstorm scene during Spider-Man has pretty much seen the goods. (Seriously, white and braless in a driving rain? Were we meant to think that was an accidental choice?) Although I lose man points by admitting it, I haven’t paid much attention to the skin status on most of these other celebrities, who are almost entirely female.

            However …

            When Dunst chose to be in that movie, she got paid Big Bucks for it. That was her choice. Jennifer Lawrence, who I’ve only seen dressed head to toe depending on how you count the blue X-Men makeup, didn’t make that choice. It doesn’t matter if taking cell phone picks in the buff was a good idea or not (it’s not)—they didn’t volunteer to let the general public see them. Now they’re out there, and that’s one nude genie that can’t get stuffed back into its flesh colored bottle.

            Asking people not to look at them won’t work. There’s something pathological about men looking at photos of nude celebrities. There are certain things guys can’t look away from, like explosions and car wrecks, and for some reason the idea of seeing someone nude who they’ve heard of but don’t know personally is one of them. Sure, you could put a shock collar on them, but that never seems to help.

            But how about this: How about tracking down the hacker, and putting a shock collar on him? Here’s how it would work: Any time someone clicks on a nude photo that he leaked, the hacker gets shocked. Any time one of the victims thinks about it and gets mad, they push a button and the hacker gets shocked. Any time someone types “they should have known better” or any variant, both the hacker and the typer get shocked.

 
            It would be hacker hell. And that’s where he belongs.

The New Nude Boob Tube

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

            There’s some irony in the fact that I’m not as thrilled about naked people on TV now as I was decades ago, when it was almost impossible to find any.

            When cable TV first came to Albion, it excited people in many ways. You could see music videos! You could watch movies on Home Box Office, almost as if you had a box office in your home! They had an entire channel devoted to the weather! How cool is that?

            Another exciting thing was that you could see the channel at all. If you happened to live in a bad place for receiving signals over the airwaves, you could swear every TV show took place in a blizzard. When I was a kid, if you wanted to go from watching three Fort Wayne TV stations to the two more or less visible South Bend stations, you had to physically go outside and move the entire pole the antenna was on.

            I’m not making this up, you whippersnappers.

            But without a doubt, the channel that most excited people of my age was a pay channel called Cinemax. Why? Well, we called it Skinemax, which should give you a clue.

            The first movie I ever saw on HBO was Star Wars. The first movie I ever saw on Cinemax was H.O.T.S., which according to a character in the trailer meant “Hold On To Sex”. Young college woman—who seemed just a little old for college—went topless in this movie. No tops! It also had a plot … I assume.

            Nudity on TV!

            Now it’s hanging out all over the place.

            In fact, there’s a trend on basic cable channels, which are already showing things that thirty years ago you’d have to pay extra for. The trend: Take reality shows that already exist, do them over without clothes, and see the ratings skyrocket.

            Take the dating show, for instance. Instead of waiting to see if they’ll get naked at the end of the date, strip ‘em before they even meet. It’s, yep, “Dating Naked”.

            Take a typical show about a young couple shopping for the perfect home. Instead of stripping the furnishings, strip the couple, and you have “Buying Naked”. They’re nudists, you see.

            The newest is “Skin Wars”, about artists who paint on nude models. But are the artists also nude? It’s only fair.

            Then there’s my favorite: Take a typical survivor show, but have a man and woman in the buff. It’s called “Naked And Afraid”. Wouldn’t you be afraid if your nether regions were directly exposed to everything from mosquitos to poison ivy?

            I’ve seen bits and pieces of “Naked And Afraid”—pardon the expression. Some contestants immediately find something to cover their unmentionables, flying in the face (pardon the expression) of the whole point. It’s like H.O.T.S. with everyone wearing a Mumu.

            The producers are quick to insist that these shows are not about nudity, and one even insisted that “Naked and Afraid” was a family show.

            Well, yeah, if your family lives in the Sunnyside Up Nudist Colony. But let’s face it, the real point of these shows isn’t that people should be comfortable with their bodies: It’s that sex sells.

            As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become interested in plot and characterization. While these shows do indeed have characters, the blurring out of certain body part areas seems to negate the real reason to watch them. Still, it’s a trend that’s not going away as long as there’s money to be made at it. I predict that within the next ten years, nudity will go from rare to common on broadcast TV, too. Imagine, on “Home Improvement”, how much more damage Tim Taylor would have done to himself in the buff. Imagine how much easier it would have been for “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” to kill monsters if they were too busily ogling her body to mount a defense.

            Let’s take a look at how current TV shows would handle this:

            “The Big Bang Theory”. The genius nerds see neighbor Penny naked every day, turning them into slobbering idiots who can’t turn a car key, let alone work out physics equations. As a result they all lose their jobs except for Sheldon, who’s only bothered by how unsanitary the whole thing is.

            “American Idol”. We get still more proof that for what it takes to become a popular singer, looks matter as much as ability.

            “Dancing With The Stars”. Injuries during practice become much more serious.

            “Grey’s Anatomy”. The name gets changed to “Everyone’s Anatomy”.

            “Resurrection”. Now sponsored by Viagra.

            “Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD”. Agent Coulson strips off that perfectly tailored suit to reveal … a perfectly tailored suit. At the network, the suits are puzzled.

            “Survivor”. Pretty much nothing changes.

            In all those crime shows with scenes set in morgues and labs, the characters will be way more careful with the scalpels. You just watch and see.

 
            And I’m sure you will.