It goes
without saying that the best way to maintain safety in a kitchen is to keep me
out.
But I said
it anyway, and as it happens, the theme of this year’s Fire Prevention Week is "Cooking Safety Starts With YOU". Even a group of Congressmen couldn’t argue over
whether that’s a good idea. Could they?
“My
esteemed colleague doesn’t seem to understand that if all fires were prevented,
it would mean unemployment for untold numbers of construction crews and emergency
room workers!”
Yeah, I
guess they could.
The
National Fire Protection Association decides themes for this important week, and they chose
wisely. If only they chose wisely in naming their mascot, a huge and overly caffeinated-looking dog named Sparky.
We don’t
want sparks. Sparks are bad, except when lighting campfires, or igniting
homemade cannons to flatten aliens. (It worked for James T. Kirk.)
Shouldn’t the NFPA’s mascot be
named Soggy? Or is that for nightmare scenarios involving
puppy training?
In our
house the kitchen is safe as long as I don't cook; when I do, food poisoning takes the number one danger spot.
Instead, my wife cooks while I do the dishes, which seems fair. No one
has ever started a fire while doing dishes, although I did electrocute myself
that way, once. Okay, twice.
Long story.
Kitchen
fires are common because that’s where the fire is. Whether you use electric or
gas, stuff gets hot, and hot is dangerous. When fires start people
panic, doing such things as pouring water on grease fires—because it’s the
kitchen, and there’s water right there, after all.
Here are other things people do wrong, when it comes to cooking:
They leave.
Leaving is
bad. Unattended fires rarely have anyone attending them. Most stove
fires I responded to as a firefighter were unattended, and even if the flames
don’t spread beyond the pan, let me assure you: The smell is horrible.
They fall asleep.
Dude, if
you’re that tired, sleep now—have breakfast later.
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Or better yet, stop out at the Albion Fire Station this coming Saturday and have someone else cook your breakfast.
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They drink.
Cooking
sherry is for cooking. If you’re consuming alcoholic beverages, you should do
pretty much nothing else, except maybe watch football or take a nap. Or take a
nap while watching football—set an alarm for the halftime show.
They put flammable stuff on the stove.
I have a
big plastic bowl with a very odd design on the bottom. Kind of dents, in a
circular pattern. In fact, it’s the exact same pattern you’ll find on the top
of my gas stove if, say, you turned off the flames but didn’t wait for the stove
to cool down before you set a big plastic bowl on it.
On any
given day, somebody’s stove will have on it an oven mitt, wooden spoon,
cardboard food box, or towel. Last year, 172,100 structure
fires started with cooking. Total fire damage in the USA was 15.9 billion dollars. And you know what the worst
part of a kitchen fire is? When it’s over …
You’ll
still be hungry.
Two thirds
of cooking fires start when food itself ignites, which kinda makes sense, and
see above about how horrible it smells. Scorched beans and corn especially
stink, for some reason. More than half of the injuries come when people try to fight the
fires.
Can you
fight kitchen fires? Sure, after you call
911 (they’ll wisely tell you to leave), but you’re taking your chances. If
you happen to be right there when something in a pan catches, just turn off the
heat and drop a lid on it, suffocating the fire.
But a lot
of people don’t do that. In a panic, they’ll splash water on the fire, which
will cause grease and oil to splatter and spread the fire further. Don’t do
that.
Better
idea: Have a fire extinguisher and know how to use it. In my novel Radio Red, a
panicked character tries to read the directions on an extinguisher after a
fire breaks out. That’s a poor time to take a class, people. (And why haven’t
you read that book?)
Read the
directions and take a class, so if
the fire’s small you can stand with your back to an exit, discharge the
extinguisher at the base of the fire, then get the heck outside, all after you dialed 911. Do I sound too cautious? Well, the National Safety Council says 3,800 American civilians
died in fires last year, with 14,700 more injured. Do I still sound too cautious?
That’s just
a quick overview of the dangers, and what you can do about them. Oh, and one
more thing: Thanksgiving is the number one day for home cooking fires, so have your relatives bring food.
Then you
can stay out of the kitchen, and enjoy your nap during the football game.
Remember, every time you prevent a fire, a book is safe from burning.
