Slightly Off the Mark: humor

Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

One Video Proves the Stupidity of Mankind

Okay, so, for this week's photo post I have only one video. I felt guilty at first, but at least the video will grab attention.

Here's the YouTube link, in case it doesn't show up here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKZBV40hryw

Emily took it off our dash cam. You might remember that camera got a really good view of the terror-inducing moment when our car caused a deer to go from 0 to 60 in one second. The deer lived, although it took a few years off of my life.

I cut this video down to 20 seconds, using an editing program (the kids apparently call them apps) that I learned to use in less than five hours, which is a record. In the video Emily is driving east on SR 8, in the area (I think) of around C.R. 700 East. That big bright thing is, yes, the sun.

Now, you'll notice her pass a construction ahead sign. Then a car traveling in front of her activates its left turn signal, on a hill, in an area that is not only no passing, but double yellow--no passing either way. (It was probably the driver who activated the turn signal, but these days who knows?)

There's a pickup truck behind Emily, being driven by a guy who, from this point forward, will be known as the Stupidest Human On the Planet, or SHOP. This is in no way meant to imply that they're stupid while shopping. They may be very good at price comparing, when their truck is sitting still and the little hamster wheel inside their head is allowed to cool down.

Maybe it was a politician.

It could be that Emily's slowing down because of the car turning in front of her got our SHOP pickup driver all butt-hurt about how he wouldn't be able to set a record for the most fuel consumption in a drive to Wal-Mart. I don't know. But the guy (let's face it, and assume it's a guy) felt very strongly that slowing down would interfere with his constitutional rights.

So he passed Emily. On a hill. On a double yellow line.

Then, as you might expect, the person who was turning left turned left. Just as the SHOP passed them.

If I hadn't watched Emily download the video, and reviewed it multiple times myself, I'd think it was AI. I have never in my life seen two objects actually pass through each other without touching. It was that close. Sure, theoretical physicists say it could happen, but in real life you don't expect a turning car and a moron in a pickup truck to actually pass through each other.

"If I can figure this one out, I'm a shoo-in for another Nobel Prize."

I actually called work to find out if they'd received any 911 calls at the time about a hit and run accident, since the truck kept going and the car went on down the side road. No, they hadn't. We had witnessed a moment that proves, beyond doubt, that angels watch over stupid people.

I feel for our left-turning person, who probably had to wipe a big brown stain from their driver's seat. I don't feel for the pickup driver's imbecilic nitwit twit, who probably just laughed, popped open another beer, and took that as proof that all traffic laws are just suggestions.

I do not want the SHOP pinhead to find out the hard way--too much chance that he'll hurt other people. Would a couple of expensive traffic tickets slow them down? Probably not.

We can only hope that if he does get into a crash, it's with another SHOP.

Don't forget, the e-book of Coming Attractions is still free over on Smashwords! Here's the link:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

You can also find adventures in our books:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/search?attributes.contributorId=13727646

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Read after you drive.

Give This Birthday Boy a Present

I decided at the last minute to do a blog for my birthday, which means you'll have to wait until this weekend to get the extended story of the dumbest driver in Indiana.

Steak, broccoli and potatoes for lunch. For supper? Half an ice cream cake divided by two. No regrets.

There were two reasons (for this post, not dumb drivers). First, I wanted to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday, because odds are I won't be able to thank everyone individually, because the internet's dumb.

Second, I forgot that I wish for the same thing every year, in what some people would call shameless self-promotion, which it is: For people to buy our books and leave reviews ... or at least get a free copy of Coming Attractions on Smashwords.

On my birthday came either the apocalypse or smoke from Canadian wildfires. So my camera caught a bird, or the persona of Death.

I mean, it's my birthday, right? Or, more likely the day after, depending on when you see this. But I did have a pretty good birthday, and the only thing that would make this week better would be a jump in book sales and/or an Amazon or Goodreads review. Or a big, solid block of milk chocolate. Or for the Canadian wildfires to go out.

In any case, thanks again to everyone, and now I'll go back to work editing our 13th book ... which, now that I think of it, should have been reserved for Haunted Noble County, Indiana.

I'm still impressed that I was able to insert the book cover. With technology, I'm not a young man.

The Smashwords link is here:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

But as always, you can track down our books and/or leave a review at one of our various internets world wide web places:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/search?attributes.contributorId=13727646

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Readers make the birthday boy smile.

Happy 250th to a Cranky Country

It's been said a nation has a life cycle, just like people do.

Perhaps our American gestation was the period when European powers first started planting their little colony seeds along the coast of this great continent. The new communities were unorganized, not entirely sure what they were meant for, and prone to doing things like throwing their rattles at the natives and turning New Amsterdam into New York.

Look, it's not a perfect metaphor. Um, simile. Either.

Like cells building themselves into an infant, people came to North America; for religious freedom, for land, for adventure, and sometimes just to be left alone. Even then we were a contrary bunch. As Benjamin Franklin said, "All nations have some citizens with high ideas, some who actually get things done, and some who are full of crap."

He probably said that. Or maybe it was Alexander Hamilton.

I don't remember Benjamin Franklin having earrings.

Our birth was a painful process, especially if you wore a red uniform, or were a Hessian soldier. The British doctor slapped us and then presented us with a bill, at which point we turned around and bit him. He was expecting cash. "Hey, I've been taking care of you for nine months! I protected you from Indians and the French, and all I asked from you in return is taxation without representation."

Our reply:

I've never seen Stranger Things, but that's also what John Adams said.

So we moved out of the house and into our own place. Actually we stayed where we were, maybe in the vacation cottage, and kicked our parents out. Every other nation in the world thought it would never work. It's like we were legally emancipated at the age of three, after spending a whole year throwing tantrums and spitting on our babysitter. Then we called up France and said, "Do you want to come over and play?"

France did, and they brought their toys.

But we got to live by our own decisions, despite our still developing minds. As we grew up, we started fighting with the neighbors and blowing things up.

Then we hit puberty, and our body began to fight against itself. A Civil War, you might say. We wanted to be one thing, but sometimes our actions didn't line up with our words, which is not unusual with adolescents. We had to win that battle within ourselves, to determine what kind of person we would be.

It turns out we had good intentions, although that didn't prevent us from doing stupid things.

Eventually we grew into a strong, capable young person, who generally wanted to be left alone, do their 9 to 5 job, then go home and drink beer. But the world became more complicated, and we were continually called to do our part--sometimes more than our part.

So we waded in and tried to make the world a better place, and sometimes we succeeded. Sometimes we failed. Sometimes we got our noses bloodied and wondered why the heck we were there to begin with. Sometimes we mistreated our neighbors and sometimes we saved them, and every now and then we did both at the same time. Oddly, some of the people in the neighborhood who didn't like us would still ask for our help when they were down and out. We helped them.

Sometimes we made ourselves look a little ridiculous.

As we entered middle age we had to wonder: What were we doing with our lives? What was really important, and what was not? We were of two minds on how to live our lives; sometimes three minds, or six, or a dozen. We started to feel a little creaky when we got out of our red, white, and blue bed in the morning. We started wondering if we were closer to sunset than we were to sunrise.

Now we often sit on the porch, yelling at the neighbors to get off our lawn! We argue with our own family, too: They're too loud, they don't show respect, they show too much respect, they're leaving the door open and letting all the heat out and/or in. Our checking account is in the red, our credit cards are maxed out ...

Then somebody starts yelling and throwing rocks at our windows. Suddenly we're a family again, because if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. And you don't want to do that.

So, what's next for us? Twilight years of bland food, bingo, and fighting with Medicare? After all, lots of other people would be happy to take our house over.

But I don't think so.

The United States of America still has life in it, yet. We may have to take some bitter medicine, get back into shape, and have healthy conversations again (imagine that!), but we can still get off that couch and be a strong people. It could be that sunset is really a sunrise.

We just have to face it together.

“Freedom of speech is a principal pillar of a free government; when this support is taken away, the constitution of a free society is dissolved, and tyranny is erected on its ruins."

--Benjamin Franklin