Movie Review: Deadpool and Wolverine

 One danger of watching "Deadpool and Wolverine" in the theaters is that you never know what was spilled on that floor you're rolling around on.

And I don't mean you'll be making out with someone because the movie's boring, either. No, "Deadpool and Wolverine" is exactly what it's advertised to be: Profane, fast-paced, irreverent, hilarious, and ... oh, yeah. Emotional.

That's the trick Ryan Reynolds and company manage to pull off. Deadpool speaks directly to the audience, talks about being in a movie, makes fun of Marvel and Disney, and just generally breaks all the rules. Then he grabs you by the feels and pulls you in until you actually care about this guy, despite the fact that you both know he's only a character.

Wade Wilson has left his super anti-hero days behind him and sells cars, badly, after a failed attempt to join the Avengers. But he's pulled back into his old life when he discovers his entire universe is going to end because of the loss of its anchor hero, Wolverine, who died during the events of "Logan". (Hey, it been out way too long for that to be a spoiler.)

That sends Wade on a multiverse-spanning search for another Logan to bring back, an attempt that treats us to several different Wolverines until Wade finds one that may work. Unfortunately, it's the worst Wolverine in all the universes. Together they set out on a blood splattered journey across timelines, encountering familiar help and villains along the way.

Yes, it has a plot. But just putting Reynolds and Hugh Jackman in a room together would generate plenty of fun for two hours, all by itself. They're clearly having a blast here, and yet, as mentioned earlier, they also generate plenty of pathos and suspense. After all, there are millions of universes, and Deadpool's isn't even the main Marvel one. There's nothing to say it will survive the fight.

I'm not sure there's any way to communicate just how much fun "Deadpool and Wolverine" is. It helps to know something of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (especially the TV series Loki). It also helps to be a fan of the comics, although its not necessary. Most of the main points we hit along the way are familiar to even those with only a passing knowledge of the MCU, for the same reason someone who's never seen Star Wars can spout off a dozen catchphrases and the basic plot.

 

Just the same, the sheer number of cameos, references, and background clues will bring squeals of glee from comic fans, even as non-comic fans enjoy the fast pace and no holds barred banter. Oh, and the stabbing. Lots and lots of stabbing. Did I mentioned the movie's rated R? Do NOT take your kids to see it.

But take yourself to see it. If you have half as much fun as Reynolds and Jackman clearly did, it'll be a good day.

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Remember: Books can be just as much fun as Deadpool, without having to clean up the blood.

Yesterday I Couldn't Even Spell Ciprofloxacin

 As we enter the second month of sinus infection, hope among CDC personnel of a cure is beginning to fade.

Yes, I still have that same super-powered sinus infection I wrote about several weeks before--kind of the Death Star of nose germs, it's been lasering the inside of my head.

No, I haven't been writing much about it. There are only so many ways to poke fun at sick sinuses before the joke grows as tired as ... well, as being sick. Besides, I used to get sinus infections like politicians get bribes, until I had surgery. Now there's one every year or two, at about the same rate Godzilla destroys Tokyo.

I'd been healing, more or less, I thought. Until this past weekend. We spent about four hours sitting outside along a gravel road Sunday, so it's possible the dust and pollen contributed ... but Saturday I felt so bad I couldn't even write, and that's going some.

There are ways to tell if a sinus infection is getting worse. If you tap your cheekbones, and the back of your head bulges out like something out of an "Alien" movie. Another sign is the color of your ... well ... mucus. You know. Nose stuff. It's supposed to be clear, apparently, but this weekend mine took on the same greenish-yellow tone as my first car, only without the fun of driving too fast.

We'll speak no more about that. 

If you value your appetite, don't even read the instructions.

 

So on Monday the Doc decided to up the game. The little booger bugs seem to have gotten used to the antibiotic that worked before. So we would continue with the neti pot --please don't ask for details--extra vitamin C, lots of vitamins, a nose spray, plenty of rest, and a brand new antibiotic.

"I don't want to take more pills," I whined, stamping my feet. But the truth is, by Monday morning my balance was off, my throat was scratchy, and overall I looked like I'd spent the weekend doing something fun, which I hadn't.

So, introducing Ciprofloxacin.

 

 No, I can't pronounce it.

"Take this with food," the Doctor ordered, "or you'll regret it."

No problem, I'd mix up a tall glass of chocolate milk. Any excuse to break out the Nestle's Quick.

Then I read the instructions. Do not take with milk, calcium fortified beverages, yogurt, antacids, or anything containing calcium, iron, or zinc.

So what, now I have to pay attention to what's in my food? Ignorance, like chocolate, is bliss.

That made me curious about the information page they include in medicine. Generally the more print, the more you have to worry about, so I borrowed a microscope and scoped it out, and I am so, so sorry I did.

but at least now I understand where the nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, and headache came from. Another symptom is sun sensitivity, but I have the schedule of a vampire. Oh, and then there's the possibility of serious nerve problems. And liver problems. Vision changes. Seizures, irregular heartbeat, hallucinations, diarrhea, and, oh yeah, mood changes, which I did indeed get after reading the warning sheet.

Plus it can interact with caffeine to make you even more caffeinated, so maybe it's not all bad.

And how do I feel about all this? Thankful. Without modern medical stuff, I might have to walk around the rest of my life with a severe sinus infection, which is kind of like a normal sinus infection, only with thunderbolts and lighting ... an idea I find very frightening.

So yeah, it's going to be an unpleasant week, but I can still walk, even if it's sideways. I can still breath, through my mouth. Not only can I eat, but I have to, every eight hours on the dot, whether I want to or not ... even if the foods I can take with Cipro are limited to salt-free soda crackers and celery sticks. And that's the last time I'm going to talk about it.

Until next time.

It could be worse: Nowhere is chocolate mentioned on this.

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Movie Review: A Million Ways To Gross In The West

            Hollywood takes great pride and joy in “pushing the envelope”. So much so that you’re not likely to get as much critical acclaim if your TV show or movie doesn’t try something over the top: Just a little more nudity, cursing, violence, or general grossness than has been generally allowed in the past.

            Two of my favorite shows are “The Walking Dead” and “Fargo”, both of which would have been R rated and never allowed near TV when I was a kid. However, let me suggest something that today’s Hollywood creators would find shocking:

            Just because you can push the envelope doesn’t mean you have to push the envelope.

            And so we come to “A Million Ways To Die In The West”. This picture was made by Seth MacFarlane, who’s well known for being as offensive as possible in his very funny show, “Family Guy”. What I did not expect—and this doesn’t spoil the plot—was to actually see a sheep penis, and to actually get a good look at a hat full of diarrhea.

            Was it shocking? Yes, just as the F-bomb used to be shocking before it became boring in its overuse. Was it gross? Well, yeah. Was it funny? Did it add anything to the movie? Just the opposite. The same goes in other areas: For instance, a scene involving a huge ice block was funny, until we see blood and gore splatter. Then—not so much.

            Sometimes the envelope is there for a reason.

            MacFarlane plays a sheep farmer named Albert who falls for a mysterious newcomer in town, played by the scene-stealing Charlize Theron. Unfortunately for him, the woman’s boyfriend is Clinch, the deadliest gunslinger in the West (Liam Neeson, who sadly has little to do.)  Albert must find his courage and get over his ex-girlfriend even as townspeople fall like dominos around him because there are, after all, a million ways to die in the West.

            The cast is overall wonderful, especially Theron and Neil Patrick Harris, and we get some great cameos along the way (the best of which is spoiled in some trailers.) While some viewers didn’t like MacFarlane in his role, I thought he did well playing the straight man as the smart but naïve Albert.

            As for the plot, I got a little whiplash: Part was a pure parody, but in the other parts MacFarlane plays it serious. Sometimes we’re looking at amazing Western scenery, other times a hooker’s telling her virginal boyfriend exactly what she’s doing to earn extra money. Much as MacFarlane enjoys his drug jokes and potty humor, I think he’s also sentimental at heart.

            So, would I recommend “A Million Ways To Die In The West”? Yep: It’s mostly fun and funny—if you can stomach it.

            Entertainment Value: 3 out of 4 M&M’s, but not the brown ones. I won’t be eating the brown ones for a while.

            Oscar Potential: 1 out of 4 M&M’s. There’s always cinematography or music.

Finally, a movie that appreciates a good mustache.