Years ago I DJ’d part time at a local radio station (which figures into my novel Radio Red). I happened to be working when the boss
decided it was time to start the Christmas season with the Gift of Music.
He produced a card file and a stack of CD’s. On each card in the file (no
computers -- it was that long ago) was the name of a Christmas song, which we
shuffled into randomness. As soon as I saw what happened to fall as the first
one, I had my intro.
“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get the holiday season under way with
WLNB’s selection of Christmas music, and I’ve been chosen for the honor or
starting it out. I’m perfectly okay with that, as long as I don’t have to play
‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’. Now, let’s see what’s on top of our play
list ... no. It can’t be. Not that -- anything
but that!”
Ah, but it was. And so I started out the Gift of Music with a redneck song
about a reckless driving Santa Claus murdering elderly pedestrians.
I never said I was a good part time DJ. Note that I’m no longer employed
there.
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Santas got run over by a fire truck?
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I like to be the best combination of
Scrooge and Grinch that I can possibly be. For the uninitiated, Scrooge is the
old time British fellow who gets scared by ghosts into loving Christmas. The
Grinch is the green guy who goes down to Whoville to steal Christmas, but ends
up returning everything when the Whoville people start
singing happy carols. This begs the question: if the people in Whoville were
happy anyway, why didn’t the Grinch just keep the stuff, and sell it on Ebay?
Yep -- two great stories, two bad endings. Just call me the Scrinch. Or Grooge,
that would be okay.
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There are other books, you know.
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I base most of my attitude on either out of control commercialism or people
who, themselves, act like Grinches. Yes, I get upset when I see
giant plastic Santas on display at Wal-Mart -- in September. But don’t we all
get mad when some scumbag burglar steals the Christmas presents right from
under someone’s tree?
Christmas all year round might seem
like a good idea, but in reality it would make the holiday cheap and ordinary.
Put a friggin tarp on the decorations until mid-November, okay? I once went shopping for Halloween,
and turned the corner to discover a plastic Frosty giving me a ... well, a frosty look.
As for stealing gifts, vandalizing decorations and such ... not that I haven’t wanted to vandalize decorations, but
only when they're lit in October. For everyone else, a
public whipping on New Year’s Day should beat the holiday spirit into them.
My point is this: Although I get as angry as everyone else when “Let it Snow”
starts playing in the store while people in shorts and tank tops
stumble in, wiping sweat from their brows ...
I don’t know if I should say it. It might ruin my reputation, and where am I
without that? Next thing you know, people will discover I really like animals.
But ... okay, complete honesty, here:
I love Christmas music.
People may never look at me the same way again.
Christmas is the only thing I look forward to through the months
of bitter cold, with nothing but driving snow and black, dead foliage. I hate cold, I hate snow, I hate heating bills, I
hate bulky clothes that never warm me up ... but I love Christmas. Colored lights shine through the dull
twilight of winter. People actually cheer up a little. Well, some people. And
of all the things about Christmas, I love the songs the best.
It doesn’t matter if they’re old or new. Sure, the barking dog Jingle Bells
thing grates on me, and I’ve heard versions of “Santa Baby” that make me want to hurl down a chimney. But
from Frank Sinatra to Christina Aguilera, nothing perks me up more. What they’ve
done elsewhere in their lives, or what other people think of them, doesn’t
matter -- I’ll listen to it if it’s Britney Spears, or Barry Manilow.
Old or new? I love “Carol of the Bells” and “The Hallelujah Chorus”, which my
choir sang in high school. They didn’t have new Christmas Songs back then. But
I’ve got songs in my Christmas library by Faith Hill, the Trans Siberian
Orchestra, the Eagles, and, yes, Hannah Montana.
Type of music? It’s all Christmas to me. Doesn’t matter whether it's the Bryan
Seltzer Orchestra, Jessica Simpson, or Andrea Bocelli. Or that other
fella, Tchaikovsky, and his Nutcracker thing. Still, nothing will ever beat the
classics, and Bing Crosby is the king of the classics. I may not like white
winters, but “White Christmas” will always be close to my half-frozen heart.
So that’s it -- my big confession. I love Christmas music ... almost all
Christmas music. As long as the lyrics aren’t being “sung” by pets.
I don’t even mind that great tribute to holiday violence, “Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer”.
Much.
