Emily works at a saddle barn, guiding trails at Pokagon State Park here in Indiana. Emily is, shall we say, height challenged. I don't believe it's PC to say "short" anymore. But one thing I've learned from watching her work is that she knows how to get much bigger animals to do what she wants.
She knows how to get me to do what she wants too, but at least I don't have to wear a bridal. Well, except that one time.
I've learned a lot about horses from talking to her and watching her work. Horses are even a large part of my mystery/humor/supernatural novel We Love Trouble, which I hope you all get to read someday. She'll have to be listed in the book as "technical consultant".
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| Did you stick your tongue out at me, young man? Um, young horse? |
That's why I know about the Kick Zone.
If you walk behind a horse, you either want to be right behind it, or drop back about a mile and a half. If you're close, but far enough away that the horse can wind up for a kick, you might soon find yourself landing in a tree.
You don't want to be in the Kick Zone.
Earlier this year I drove to Pokagon to pick up Emily. It gave me a chance to introduce myself to the new mule, who Emily described as "rather large". The Saddle barn had two mules. Freddy, who had his own Facebook and Instagram accounts before he passed, was normal sized. for a mule. The other one I hadn't seen yet, but as I walked up to her I imagined what Freddy said at first sight:
"It's a giant! Mulezilla!"
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| That's Molly with Emily, and no, this is not a trick of perspective. |
Molly is the tallest equine animal in the Midwest. Horses and mules are usually measured by hands, but Molly is eight legs tall. Petting her was like trying to put out a forest fire: It's hard to tell where to start. It takes Emily five steps to get into her saddle, with the first step involving the word "trampoline" and the last step being to put on a high-altitude oxygen mask.
I'm just sayin', big mule.
After we got to know each other, Emily untied Molly and led her toward the barn, past me, which is okay because I'm to her side as she goes by. But that was when something spooked her. The mule, I mean, not Emily. The animals know better than to pull away from Emily, but the plastic bag, or crunched leaf, or perceived insult made her swing her back side around until it was aimed at me. The mule, not Emily.
I was in the Kick Zone.
There's only one thing to do: Flee. I backpedaled, reaching approximately warp 9 in half a second. Even the USS Enterprise can't reach that speed by going backward, but I did. Of course, the Enterprise might accidentally back into the Klingons, and I'd hate to fill out that road rage report.
Directly behind me was the end of the hitching line. It was a plastic pipe, maybe four inches in diameter, with the end aimed right at the small of my back like a police battering ram. Only less fun.
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| Molly with the offending railing end. |
I did not scream when I backed into it at Warp 9, which, as you'll remember, is very fast. I did say something, which I'll just code as "Klingon! Oh, Klingon!"
I said "Klingon" several times.
The moral of this story is "situational awareness". It's also that you should keep ibuprofen, ice, and that green stuff from the chiropractor close by at all times. The chiropractor should also be close by.
Molly never kicked. I suppose her mind was on whatever spooked her: a candy wrapper, a passing mosquito, maybe the realization that Lost will never make sense. The hitching post just laughed off the incident. I drove us home with no problems, although it took several people to pry me out of the car and carry me to the couch. I'm now working on the outline of a novel about evil hitching posts that attack the unwary, and I'm calling it "Post Ghosts". M. Night Shymalan already has the movie rights.
Yes, horses do appear in some of my books, specifically the Storm Chaser series. Find them all here:
· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter
· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/
· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/
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· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter
· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914
· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914
· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf
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